Pauline Francis: That ruined it. That ruined everything. I can’t imagine it getting any darker than this.
Sandy: My mom’s dead.
Analyst: What exactly are you joking about? You’re obviously not afraid that you’re boring.
Roger Sterling: What are the events in life? It’s like you see a door. The first time you come to it, you say, Oh, what’s on the other side of the door? Then you open a few doors, then you say, I think I want to go over that bridge this time, I’m tired of doors. Finally you go through one of these things, and you come out the other side, and you realize, that’s all there are, doors, and windows, and bridges, and gates. And they all open the same way, and they all close behind you. Look, life is supposed to be a path, and you go along and these things happen to you, and they’re supposed to change you, change your direction. But turns out that’s not true. Turns out the experiences are nothing, they’re just some pennies you pick up off the floor, you stick in your pocket, and you’re just going in a straight line—to you know where.
Peggy Olson: I don’t like vegetarian food, it reminds me of Lent.
Peggy Olson: Fucking Tonight Show.
Don Draper: I smell creativity.
Joan Harris: I don’t know if it’s the photographers or the writers but it really smells like reefer in here.
Pete Campbell: So, you have anything ready for Sheraton on Friday?
Don Draper: Have I ever walked into this office after an absence and not had you bring up business immediately?
Pete: That’s only because I’ve spent every holiday waiting on work from you. And then you walk away from me. And then you take a nap.
Don Draper: As long as I don’t have to put on shoes, it sounds perfect.
Roger Sterling: For twenty years she’s been saying this is her last Christmas.
Caroline: She was always so nice to me. When she could hear me.
Don Draper: What? What do you want?
Photographer: I want you to be yourself.
Dr. Arnie Rosen: Honestly Don, the whole life and death thing, it doesn’t bother me, it never has. Guys like us, that’s why we get paid.
Don Draper: Us?
Arnie: Fine. You get paid to think about things they don’t want to think about, and I get paid to not think about them. People will do anything to alleviate their anxiety.
6:03 The Collaborators
Uncle Mack: Hey kid, you were raised on a farm, am I right?
Dick Whitman: Yes, sir.
Uncle Mack: Well, I’m the rooster around here, understand? I hump all the hens and I bring on the day.
Don Draper (having just made love to Sylvia): It’s nice to know that no matter what, I got something done today.
Peggy Olson: I don’t want you to think that just because I have high standards, that means I’m not happy with you, especially, you know, the way you are. The way you are has nothing to do with the fact that the work needs work.
Ken Cosgrove: It’s Heinz Ketchup, Don! It’s the Coca Cola of condiments!
Don Draper: I know, but sometimes you’ve gotta dance with the one that brung ya.
Herb Rennet: I know there’s a part of you that’s glad to see me.
Joan Harris: And I know there’s a part of you, you haven’t seen in years.
Pete Campbell: So he’s demanding and unreasonable. How does that make him different from the other people that walk through that door?
Don Draper: I wish you were handling the clients as well as you are handling me.
Dr. Arnold Rosen: You know, we’re losing the war.
Don Draper: You wouldn’t know it from looking around here.
Don Draper: Now I understand. You want to feel shitty right up until the point where I take your dress off. Because I’m going to do that. You want to skip dinner, fine, but don’t pretend.
Sylvia Rosen: We can’t fall in love, it wouldn’t be so French anymore.
Don Draper: You have to know I’d want what you want, is that what you want?
Trudy Campbell: We’re done Peter. This is over.
Pete Campbell:You want a divorce?
Trudy: I refuse to be a failure. I don’t care what you want anymore. This is how it’s going to work. You will be here only when I tell you to be here. I’m drawing a fifty mile radius around this house and if you so much as open your fly to urinate I will destroy you. Do you understand?
Roger Sterling: That was the deftest self-immolation I’ve ever seen.
Pete Campbell: It’s all about what it looks like, isn’t it?
Miss Swenson (catching Dick at the keyhole): You’re a dirty little spy.
Dick Whitman: I dropped a penny!
Joan Harris: You should visit more often, turns out someone’s proud of me.
Gail Holloway: I’m a monster! Believe it or not, my daughter is a partner at a Madison Avenue advertising firm. That’s something I enjoy saying.
Joan: Does sound pretty good.
Bob Benson: So, Project K stands for what?
Michael Ginsberg: Project Kill Machine!
Bob: That’s not what it stands for.
Don Draper: Honey, I can tolerate this, but I can’t encourage it.
Megan Draper: You’re perfect.
Harry Crane: Forget demographics. How would you like Dow to be responsible for making people smile?
Pierre Cossette: And is there anything that makes people smile more than Broadway and football? Yankee Doodle Dandy and the Notre Dame fight song playing at the same time!
Harry Crane: Joan, you owe Scarlett an apology.
Joan Harris: Harry, please don’t involve yourself in this.
Harry: I’m tired of your petty dictatorship, so whatever capital crime or treason she committed, she’s in my department.
Joan: I didn’t realize you were that attached to Scarlett.
Scarlett: We’re not attached.
Harry: We are attached!
Dawn Chambers: Everybody’s scared there. Women crying in the ladies room, men crying in the elevator, it sounds like New Years Eve when they empty the garbage, there’s so many bottles. And I told you about that poor man hanging himself in his office.
Harry Crane: Bert, you know how important I am to this company, you were me.
Bert Cooper: I was different than you, Mr. Crane, in every way.
Kate: I’m really not you, am I?
Joan Harris: Why would you want to be?
Kate: Are you kidding? Look what you did! You came out here, you staked this out on your own.
Joan: I’ve been working there for 15 years and they still treat me like a secretary.
Peggy Olson: I always say, if you don’t like what they’re saying, change the conversation.
Dawn Chambers: I don’t care if everybody hates me here, as long as you don’t.
Joan Harris: We’ll see about that.
Don Draper: You kiss people for money, you know who does that?
Don Draper So what do you do when I leave here, get on your knees and pray for absolution?
Sylvia Rosen: I pray for you.
Michael Ginsberg: I don’t know what you’re expecting. I mean, a couple of alter kockers arrange a little meeting like this, it sounds very Old World, but it doesn’t feel like it. I mean, I mean, you’re a sexy girl, a-and you smell great, you don’t need to be set up. And I sure as hell didn’t arrange this. I mean, I’m sure my father told you what a Lothario I am, but I’m not. I’m very anxious about it. I’ve never had sex, not even once.
Peggy Olson: Don’t do anything stupid.
Abe Drexler: Honey, it’s too late. I’m going to Harlem in a tuxedo.
Roger Sterling (about Martin Luther King, Jr.): Man knew how to talk. I don’t know why, but I thought that would save him. I thought it would solve the whole thing.
Harry Crane: It’s enough of this crap already. All these special broadcasts preempting the prime time schedule—Bewitched, Merv, Dean Martin. You know they might cancel the Stanley Cup?
Pete Campbell: How dare you? This cannot be made good. It’s shameful. It’s a SHAMEFUL, SHAMEFUL DAY!
Pete Campbell: Don’t worry, I’m sure you can make your money back on some Movie of the Week next fall about the death of a great man.
Randall Walsh: I really don’t even want to talk. I was trying to communicate without words, but it’s not working.
Roger Sterling: Randy, it never works.
Randall Walsh: But there is a tear and in that tear are all the tears in the world. All the animals crying.
Randall Walsh: Are you forgetting what Tecumseh said? Hey ya ho, ho, ho, hey ya ho.
Roger Sterling: I had forgotten that.
Bobby Draper: Everybody likes to go to the movies when they’re sad.
Don Draper: I don’t think I ever wanted to be the man who loves children. But from the moment they’re born, that baby comes out and you act proud and excited, hand out cigars, but you don’t feel anything. Especially if you had a difficult childhood. You want to love them but you don’t, and the fact that you’re faking that feeling makes you wonder if your own father had the same problem. Then one day they get older and you see them do something and you feel that feeling that you were pretending to have. And it feels like your heart is going to explode.
Pete Campbell (to Joan Harris): It’s a marvel. Everyone wants you, don’t they?
Peggy Olson: There’s poop on the stairs again.
Abe Drexler: Somebody’s dog got in.
Peggy: No, it’s human.
Roger Sterling: Did he say your dinner with Jaguar’s off?
Don Draper: Yes. Unless it was the world’s most boring dream.
Roger Sterling: I want a glass of water with an onion, and bring him a double Jim Beam.
Marie Calvet: It is very hard to stand next to someone giving an autograph.
Bert Cooper: I believe I would like a drink.
Pete Campbell: What do you drink?
Bert: Do you have any brandy?
Bert: Spirits of elder flower?
Pete: No! I don’t have any laudanum either.
Bert: Surprise me.
Marie Calvet: She’s the apple that goes in the pig’s mouth!
Ken Cosgrove: Okay, look. When I was in high school, they had this picture come to the only movie theater in Cabot. It was called Making a Baby. They invited women and men separately, but it was a delivery system for some filthy stuff. So at the matinee, I look over, and Mr. Millard, my science teacher, is five seats away. And he’s not, you know, working the slide rule or anything, but we see each other for sure. But we both knew that neither of us should be there. It was mutually assured destruction.
Pete Campbell: Don’t act like you had a plan. You’re Tarzan, swinging from vine to vine.
Joan Harris: Honestly, Don, if I could deal with him, you could deal with him. and what now? I went through all of that for nothing?
Don Draper: Joan, don’t worry. I will win this.
Joan: Just once I would like to hear you use the word “we.” Because we’re all rooting for you from the sidelines, hoping you’ll decide whatever you think is right for our lives.
Ted Chaough: It’s one thing to want something, it’s another to need it.
Megan Draper: I love you like this.
Don Draper: Desperate and scared?
Megan: Fearless. And I want to do whatever I can to make sure you do not fail. Then you can jump from the balcony and fly to work like Superman.
Pete Campbell: You just pressed the button, Tom. You just blew everything up.
Peggy Olson: I don’t like change. I want everything to stay the way it was.
Don Draper: The future is something you haven’t even thought of yet.
Don Draper: I should just let Chevy buy my brain and put it in a jar.
Ted Chaough: So shall we go home?
Don Draper: We. That’s interesting.
Don Draper: Hey Lieutenant, want to get into some trouble?
Jim Cutler: I want to make it clear, unless this works, I’m against it.
Don Draper: I did this wrong once before, so let me tell you how great it’s going to be, so you can decide if you want to come along.
Ted Chaough: You are the copy chief at one of the top 25 ad agencies in the country. You’re not even 30. I’m jealous.
6:07 Man With a Plan
Michael Ginsberg: I saw you taking a little tour the other week and you looked pretty tall, but now I see you’re about my height.
Ted Chaough: I hope you can still look up to me.
Stan Rizzo: Aah! That was quick!
Burt Peterson (about Don): He’s still a cold fish.
Sylvia Rosen: I need you, and nothing else will do.
Roger Sterling: A lot of times in life you get to do something, and you don’t realize until it’s over how much you enjoyed it. And you swear that the next time it comes around, you’re going to remember that.
Burt Peterson: You’re right, and I think I can work with you, too.
Roger: Work? No, Burt. I’m letting you go again.
Burt Peterson: You’re a real prick, you know that?
Roger Sterling: Dammit, Burt, you stole my goodbye!
Ted Chaough: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I have to eat something.
Don Draper: Doesn’t ice count?
Bob Benson: Just walk with me and I’ll bother you all the way out. No one will know.
Don Draper: You exist in this room for my pleasure.
Ted Chaough (about Don): He doesn’t talk for long stretches and then he’s incredibly eloquent.
Frank Gleason: If I wait patiently by the river the body of my enemy will float by.
Ted Chaough: Sometimes when you’re flying you think you’re right side up but you’re really upside down.
Gail Holloway: Honestly, Joan, every good deed is not a part of a plan.
Pete Campbell: My mother can go to Hell! Ted Chaough can fly her there.
Stan Rizzo: You just flushed a toilet in my head.
Don Draper: You have to get me in a room so I can look them in the eye. The timbre of my voice is as important as the content. I don’t know whether I’ll be forceful or submissive, but I must be there in the flesh.
Don Draper: Where’d you learn that?
Ken Cosgrove: My mother. No, my first girlfriend.
Wendy Gleason: Does someone love me?
Don Draper: What?
Wendy: That’s what your question was.
Don: Why would you say that?
Wendy: That’s everyone’s question.
Mathis: You’re pretentious, you know that? I love that!
Peggy Olson: I’ve had loss in my life. You have to let yourself feel it, you can’t dampen it with drugs and sex. That won’t get you through.
Stan Rizzo: Maybe we’re different.
Bobby Draper: Are we Negroes?
Don Draper: I’ve got this great message, and it has to do with what holds people together.
Abigail Whitman: After I gave you a home you go and do something this disgraceful!
Don Draper: I’m sorry, Ted, but every time we get a car, this place turns into a whorehouse.
Harry Crane: Pete, you want to get your balls tickled, go see a headhunter.
Don Draper: No, Peggy, there’s a right and there’s a wrong.
Peggy Olson: How could that be? What you’re really saying is that there’s you, and there’s him.
Peggy Olson (about Don and Ted): You’re the same person sometimes.
Stewart Dell: I want to be alone with you all night.
Betty Francis: Mr. Dell, I have three children.
Stew: I don’t care.
Betty: No. Look at me. Can you believe I’ve had three children?
Megan Draper (about her characters): They’re two halves of the same person and they want the same thing but they’re trying to get it in different ways.
Betty Francis: I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.
Duck Philips (to Pete): I’ve been you, and I went on interviews and I realized I was filling the room with desperation.
Ted Chaough: What an old tune, the boss in love with his protégé.
Betty Francis: What are you doing?
Don Draper: Waiting for you to tell me to stop.
Betty Francis: I love the way you look at me when you’re like this, but then I watch it decay; I can only hold your attention so long.
Betty Francis: That poor girl, she doesn’t know that loving you is the worst way to get to you.
Don Draper:Just because you climb a mountain doesn’t mean you love it.
Roger Sterling: I guess we’re all a little bit out of context right now.
Abe Drexler: You’re a scared person who hides behind complacency.
Abe Drexler: Your activities are offensive to my every waking moment. I’m sorry, but you’ll always be the enemy.
6:10 A Tale of Two Cities
Don Draper: Come with me, we’ll go back to Disneyland. From what I remember, something amazing happened there.
Megan Draper: I made the biggest mistake of my life.
Don: That’s true.
Don Draper: I hate actresses.
Ted Chaough: Maybe part of it is, you keep seeing this agency as our people and their people.
Jim Cutler: Well, how about your people and my people?
Roger Sterling: We’re conquistadors. I’m Vasco de Gama and you’re some other Mexican. We’re to land there, buy whatever they’ve got with the beads in our pockets. Our biggest challenge is to not get syphilis.
Joan Harris: I’m in charge of thinking of things before people know they need them.
Megan Draper: Go for a swim, it always makes you feel better.
Michael Ginsberg: “Now I am become Death, Destroyer of Worlds.”
Michael Ginsberg: Tell me the truth, are you a homo?
Bob Benson: There’s that sense of humor!
Roger Sterling: Big accounts require a golf and dining offensive.
Candy: You like hashish?
Don Draper: I don’t know yet.
Don Draper (hallucinating that Megan is pregnant): What do you think it is?
Megan Draper: A second chance.
PFC Dinkins: My wife thinks I’m MIA. I’m actually dead.
PFC Dinkins: Dying doesn’t make you whole, you should see what you look like.
Andy Hayes: I don’t know if we want to try to be groovier or nostalgic.
Ted Chaough: Roger Sterling let you watch his dog and it ran away.
Ted Chaough: You’re splitting this place, and not in half.
Pete Campbell: It’s a revolt!
Ted Chaough: Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Pete Campbell: ,Only where there is no law.
Pete Campbell: This is not the same business anymore!
Dorothy Campbell: I waited long enough to experience the physical satisfactions of love.
Manolo Colon: Mr. Benson is a wonderful salesman.
Betty Francis: Like everything else in this country, Diplomacy Club’s just another excuse to make out.
Don Draper: He can’t spend the rest of his life on the run.
Pete Campbell: At least one of us ended up important. Please tell me you don’t pity me.
Peggy Olson: I don’t.
Pete: Because you really know me.
Peggy: I do.
Jim Cutler: I warned you about the memos, Ted. The more you send, the less they get read.
Ted Chaough: I don’t want his juice, I want my juice.
Jim Cutler: It’s all your juice.
Ted: Tell him that.
Dorothy Campbell: You were a sour little boy, and you’re a sour little man. How could I expect you to be understanding? You’ve always been unlovable.
Stan Rizzo (to Peggy): I’m not your boyfriend.
Ted Chaough: Don’t be an asshole, Don.
Ted Chaough: This is not a handshake of gratitude, this is a binding contract.
Bob Benson: Calm down. Sit down.
Bob Benson: Is it really so impossible to imagine?
Pete Campbell: What?
Bob: Couldn’t it be that if someone took care of you, very good care of you, if this person would do anything for you, if their wellbeing was his only thought, is it impossible that you might begin to feel something for him? When there’s true love, it doesn’t matter who it is.
Betty Francis: What kind of medicine are you taking for this cold?
Don Draper: Formula 44.
Betty: Yeah, I bet.
Betty Francis: Jackie did well twice.
Don Draper: So did you.
Harry Crane: I’ve got good news!
Don Draper: You finally found a hooker who’ll take traveler’s checks?
Harry (under his breath): Why did I tell you that?
Roger Sterling: Lee Garner Jr. made me hold his balls.
Pete Campbell: So you didn’t profess your love to me?
Bob Benson: Only my admiration, which is waning quickly.
Bob Benson: You should watch what you say to people.
Bob Benson: What do you want?
Pete Campbell: Well for one thing, I wanted you to stop smiling.
Bob: You got it.
Don Draper: Your judgement is impaired, you’re not thinking with your head.
Bob Benson: You don’t respond well to gratitude.
Pete Campbell: Where you are and who you are is not my concern. I surrender.
Bob Benson: Manolo doesn’t like women.
Pete Campbell: Make sure.
Sally Draper: My father has never given me anything.
Margaret Hargrove: I’m your daughter. What do I have to do to get on the list of girls you give money to?
Roger Sterling: Well you know what they say about Detroit, it’s all fun and games ’til they shoot you in the face.
Sally Draper: Well I wouldn’t want to do anything immoral. You know what? Why don’t you just tell them what I saw.
Uncle Mack: I’d tell you to go to hell but I never want to see you again.
Preacher: The only unpardonable sin is to believe God cannot forgive you.
Pete Campbell: If you want to run, I’d do it now, because you’re an accessory to murder. I will never, ever let this go.
Bob Benson: Manny wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Pete: Even if he thought it was rich?
Betty Draper: The good is not beating the bad!
Ted Chaough (to Don Draper): I know there’s a good man in there.
Don Draper: I was an orphan. I grew up in Pennsylvania, in a whorehouse.
Don Draper: The closest I got to feeling wanted was from a girl who made me go through her john’s pockets while they screwed. If I collected more than a dollar she would buy me a Hershey bar. And I would eat it, alone, in my room, with great ceremony. Feeling like a normal kid. And it said “sweet” on the package. It was the only sweet thing in my life.
Don Draper: If I had my way you would never advertise. You shouldn’t have someone like me telling that boy what a Hershey bar is. He already knows.
Roger Sterling: You shit the bed in there.
Bud Campbell: She’s in the water. With Father.
Pete Campbell: She loved the sea.
Ted Chaough: The world out there. I have to hold on to them or I’ll get lost in the chaos.
Ted Chaough: Someday you’ll be glad I made this decision.
Peggy Olson: Well aren’t you lucky. To have decisions.
Bert Cooper: Don there’s no need for defense, this isn’t a trial. The verdict has been reached.
Don Draper: I want a return date.
Bert Cooper: We can’t give you that.
Joan Harris (to Roger Sterling): I’m inviting you into Kevin’s life, not mine.