Don Draper: Give Morticia and Lurch my love.
Megan Draper: Look, nobody likes it in theory, but people are always glad. And you’ve never seen me throw a party. Everyone’s going to go home from this party and have sex.
Peggy Olson: Clients are right all of a sudden? I don’t recognize that man. He’s kind. And patient.
Stan Rizzo: And it galls you.
Peggy: No, it concerns me.
Stan Rizzo: I’ve got tickets to the bean ballet and the curtain’s about to go up.
Harry Crane: Oooh, a Negro homosexual, Canadian sexpot, and unaccompanied redhead. This may be my key demographic.
Cynthia Cosgrove: Marry early and often.
Bert Cooper: Did you buy him a pony?
Roger Sterling: You’re happy.
Don Draper: I am.
Roger: Well I want you to be happy. Somebody should be.
Joan Harris (to her mother): You love stirring the shit.
Gail Holloway: You’re making this very painful for me.
Rebecca Pryce: Don’t forget to get the name of Megan’s real estate agent.
Lane Pryce: Yes dear.
Rebecca Pryce: And her decorator.
Roger Sterling: They’re all great girls. At least until they want something.
Megan Draper: My god, so square you’ve got corners.
Don Draper: I have to make sure I look like The Man.
“Lady Jane”: None of you want any of us to have a good time, just because you never did.
Don Draper: No, we’re worried about you.
Roger Sterling (about Michael Ginsberg): Turns out we both have a dream of throwing something through this window.
Henry Francis: Romney’s a clown.
Roger Sterling: I’m tired of it, Don, tired of trying to prove I still have any value around here. I’m exhausted from hanging onto the ledge and having some kid’s foot on my fingertips. Bombs away.
Roger Sterling: Actual life and death, I dunno, I’ve given up on that.
Gail Holloway: We were talking about the riots.
Greg Harris: Plenty of Negroes in Saigon, and they’re plenty brave.
Ken Cosgrove: You know you almost got fired just now.
Michael Ginsberg: I don’t think you’re right about that.
Ken: I’m positive.
Roger Sterling: Hey Trotsky, you’re in advertising.
Roger Sterling: How much you want?
Peggy Olson: How much you got?
Roger: 400 dollars.
Peggy: Give me all of it.
Roger: Jesus. This better be good.
Peggy: Do you want me to take your watch?
Peggy Olson: I was his secretary you know.
Dawn: You were? So how did you…
Peggy: I didn’t even ask for it. Sometimes they drag the secretaries in for focus groups to try things, and I was discovered. Like Esther Blodgett.
Peggy: Do you think I act like a man?
Dawn Chambers: I guess you have to, a little.
Peggy: I tried, but I don’t think I have it in me. I don’t know if I want to.
Peggy Olson: I know we’re not really in the same situation, but I was the only one like me there for a long time. I know it’s hard.
Joan Harris: I’m glad the Army makes you feel like a man, because I’m sick of trying to do it.
Greg Harris: The Army makes me feel like a good man.
Joan: You’re not a good man, you never were, even before we were married. And you know what I’m talking about.
Ken Cosgrove (to Peggy Olson): If I go anywhere, you go with me.
Roger Sterling: Would you take a little bit of unsolicited advice?
Lane Pryce: It’s not pride that’s keeping me from asking. I certainly am aware that you’re skilled in this arena.
Roger: I was. Now I guess I’m Professor Emeritus of Accounts.
Jenny Gunther: Things seems so random all of a sudden. And time feels like it’s speeding up.
Don Draper: Saturday night in the suburbs, that’s when you really want to blow your brains out.
Pete Campbell: Wilt Chamberlain could lie down in there.
Cynthia Cosgrove (about Don Draper): Look, it’s Superman.
Don Draper: Let’s make a baby.
Megan Draper: No, that’s impossible.
Don: What? Isn’t that how this works?
Megan: A baby gets you going?
Don: Pull over. This brassiere is like Fort Knox.
Pete Campbell: Come on, Lane couldn’t close a car door.
Don Draper: I think a man getting out of a Jaguar needs a cold shower. That’s it, a singular message, repeated over and over, the Jaguar XKE is pornographic.
Lane Pryce: He was caught with chewing gum on his pubis!
Roger Sterling: I know cooler heads should prevail, but am I the only one who wants to see this?
Roger Sterling: As a fellow unappreciated author and a friend, let me tell you, when this job is good it satisfies every need. Believe me, I remember.
Lane Pryce: What do I do here? I mean, truly?
Joan Harris: Something essential.
Lane: You could do it.
Joan: If they’ve tried to make you feel you’re different from them, you are. That’s a good way to be.
Lane Pryce: I just seem to find no end to my humiliation today. I’m sorry.
Joan Harris: About what? Everyone in this office has wanted to do that to Pete Campbell.
Ken Cosgrove: I’m through with all that fantasy stuff.
Peggy Olson: I just had the same conversation.
Michael Ginsberg: No, I think they were different, because yours was private.
Stan Rizzo: There’s no place to pee in this city.
Raymond Geiger: Well stop writing down what I ask for, and try to figure out what I want.
Peggy Olson: Why didn’t you tell me you had a family? Your father’s nice.
Michael Ginsberg: He’s not my real father. People don’t understand.
Peggy: You adopted?
Ginsberg: Actually I’m from Mars. It’s fine if you don’t believe me but that’s where I’m from. I’m a full-blooded Martian. Don’t worry, there’s no plot to take over earth. We’re just displaced.
Ginsberg: I can tell you don’t believe me. That’s okay. We’re a big secret. They even tried to hide it from me. That man, my father, told me a story I was born in a concentration camp. But you know that’s impossible. And I never met my mother because she supposedly died there. That’s convenient. Next thing I know Morris there finds me in a Swedish orphanage. I was five; I remembered.
Peggy: That’s incredible.
Ginsberg: Yeah. And then I got this one communication. A simple order. Stay where you are.
Peggy: Are there others like you?
Ginsberg: I don’t know. I haven’t been able to find any.
Roger Sterling: “Frank Lloyd Rice.” I always say it that way, they hate it.
Roger Sterling (dropping acid with Jane): You always say I never take you anywhere.
Roger Sterling: Well, Doctor Leary, I find your product boring.
Megan Draper: It’s not a destination, it’s on the way to someplace.
Megan Draper: You like to work but I can’t like to work.
Megan Draper: Why don’t you call your mother?
Megan Draper: Every time we fight it just diminishes us a little bit.
Roger Sterling: I’ve been wondering lately if she was just an excuse to blow up my life.
Roger Sterling: I don’t know, my whole life people have been telling me I don’t understand how other people think and it turns out it’s true!
Mona Sterling: I for one am not going to let a bunch of dirty teenagers in the paper disrupt the order of things.
Emile Calvet: My daughter pretends to be interested in what I am interested in because she loves me.
Megan Draper: My father won’t care if he finds out you read James Bond.
Don Draper: Well, you’ve established a firm bed of insecurity.
Joan Harris: Men don’t take the time to end things, they ignore you until you insist on a declaration of hate.
Peggy Olson: Someone dumped you?
Joan: Peggy, I’m just like everybody else.
Roger Sterling: Who knows why people in history did good things? For all we know Jesus was trying to get the loaves and fishes account.
Roger Sterling: A lot of times you think people are looking at you but they’re not, their mind’s elsewhere.
Raymond Geiger: It’s the future, it’s all I ever wanted.
Peggy Olson: This is as good as this job gets. Savor it.
Emile Calvet: Don, there’s nothing you can do. No matter what, one day your little girl will spread her legs and fly away.
Katherine Olson: You’re lonely? Get a cat. They live thirteen years, then you get another one. Then another one after that. Then you’re done.
Marie Calvet: When I was younger it was my spirit to try everything; get a taste, know what was what, and never be sorry for making mistakes. And then one day I made too many mistakes.
Marie Calvet: We should have everything we want.
Glen Bishop: How’s the city?
Sally Draper: Dirty.
Michael Ginsberg: Did he fire you? That SON OF A BITCH!
Pete Campbell: Have you seen those pictures of Earth from space?
Harry Crane: Of course.
Pete: Do they make you feel small and insignificant?
Harry: No, Jennifer does that.
Pete Campbell: Why do they give you a glimmer of hope in the midst of rejection?
Pete Campbell: Why do they get to decide what’s going to happen?
Harry Crane: They just do.
Megan Draper: Don. I love you. You’re everything I’d hoped you’d be.
Don Draper: I was raised in the thirties. My dream was indoor plumbing.
Michael Ginsberg: You know Don? Tall guy, short temper?
Betty Francis: This is a setback. You’re always thinking about other people and then you’re angry because no one’s thinking about you, but I am. It’s so easy to blame our problems on others, but really we’re in charge of ourselves, and I’m here to help you, as you’re here to help me. We’ll figure out what’s next.
Peggy Olson: You are not loyal. You only think about yourself.
Roger Sterling: Were we married? Because you’re thinking about yourself too. That’s the way it is, it’s every man for himself.
Pete Campbell (discussing Howard’s girlfriend): You know what, Howard? Why don’t you spend Thanksgiving with her and I’ll go to your house and screw your wife.
Michael Ginsberg: I feel bad for you.
Don Draper: I don’t think about you at all.
Jane Sterling: You get everything you want and you still had to do this.
Betty Francis: I’m thankful that I have everything I want and that no one else has anything better.
Joan Harris: Surprise! There’s an airplane here to see you!
Joan Harris: You do not know how hard I’ve tried to ignore this at work. I know what I’m doing, I have some control. But then he found a way to ruin that too.
Don Draper: You’re going to need to define some of these pronouns if you want me to keep listening.
Joan: Doctor Captain Harris served me with papers in the office. He’s divorcing me, like he has the moral high ground.
Joan Harris: My mother raised me to be admired.
Megan Draper: You used to love your work.
Don Draper: Well it’s different there now.
Megan: You loved it before you ever met me.
Don Draper (note accompanying Joan’s bouquet): Your mother did a good job, Ali Khan
Lane Pryce: I would try to avoid the mistake that I’ve made my entire life. Every time someone’s asked me what I wanted, I’ve never told them the truth.
Lane Pryce: Three years ago when I was essential to the future of this firm, I settled for much less than I needed.
Joan Harris (to Lane): Here I thought you were trying to stop this because you had feelings for me.
Michael Ginsberg: She just comes and goes as she pleases. Huh.
Pete Campbell: It’s an epic poem for me to get home.
Pete Campbell: I’m using all of my energy putting my foot down.
Joan Harris: Which one is he?
Pete Campbell: He’s not bad.
Joan: He’s doing this.
Freddy Rumsen: I can never tell, Ballerina, if you’re ambitious or you just like to complain.
Don Draper: Oh this car. This thing, gentlemen. What price would we pay, what behavior would we forgive, if they weren’t pretty, if they weren’t temperamental if they weren’t beyond our reach and a little out of our control: would we love them like we do? Jaguar: At last something beautiful you can truly own.
Peggy Olson: It’s not a game, it’s my career.
Roger Sterling: Great! We’ll be over this afternoon to kiss the bride.
Peggy Olson: You really have no idea when things are good, do you?
Peggy Olson: There’s no number.
Don Draper: The client asked for it, that’s not good.
Don Draper: I already said no, or should I leave so you all can do whatever you want?
Betty Francis: I wanted to know if you would have any problem with me strangling Sally.
Don Draper: Should we be having this conversation on the phone?
Don Draper (to Lane Pryce): I’m going to need your resignation.
Don Draper: I’m doing the most decent thing I could possibly do, Lane. I’m letting you resign.
Don Draper: I’ve started over a lot, Lane, this is the worst part.
Roger Sterling: Jesus, Don, you used to love ‘no.”No’ used to make you hard.
Ken Cosgrove: I don’t mind waiting twenty minutes for an unspecified meeting with my boss. I mean, it’s not like your imagination would run wild.
Roger Sterling: You should go in there and keep your cool, but if he baits you, I want you to punch him in the balls.
Don Draper: What happened to your enlightenment?
Roger: I dunno. Wore off.
Don Draper: What is happiness? It’s a moment before you need more happiness.
Roger Sterling: I’ll buy you a drink if you wipe the blood off your mouth.
Betty Francis (to Megan Draper): I think she just needed her mother.
Betty Francis: There’s a lot of responsibilities. That’s what being a woman is.
Glen Bishop: Why does everything turn out crappy?
Don Draper: What do you mean?
Glen: I don’t know. Everything you want to do. Everything you think’s going to make you happy just turns to crap.
Pete Campbell: And what if you forget you love me?
Beth Dawes: Oh, Peter, I don’t know you. And you don’t know me. We just happen to have the same problem.
Pete: I know. But we’re only sad because we’re apart.
Beth: Oh, then I was wrong.
Don Draper: Look, you don’t want it this way. You want to be somebody’s discovery, not somebody’s wife.
Marie Calvet: Not every little girl gets to do what they want. The world could not support that many ballerinas.
Roger Sterling: Stop being demure, you’re already on the bed.
Beth Dawes: What’s wrong with your friend?
Pete Campbell: He um, he got involved with another man’s wife.
Beth: And that put him in the hospital?
Pete: From the complications.
Beth: Why did he do it?
Pete: Well, all the regular reasons, I guess. He needed to let off some steam, he needed adventure, he needed to feel handsome again. He needed to feel that he knew something, that all this aging was worth something because he knew things young people didn’t know yet. He probably thought it would be like having a few tall drinks and feeling very, very good, and then he’d go back to his life and say, ‘That was nice.’
Beth: But then he got sick?
Pete: When it went away, he was heartbroken. And then he realized everything he already had was not right either, and that was why it had happened at all. And that his life with his family was some temporary bandage on a permanent wound.
Don Draper: That’s what happens when you help someone, they succeed and move on.
Peggy Olsen: Don’t you want them to?
Don: I’m proud of you. I just didn’t know it would be without me.
Peggy: Well put me on your call list.
Pete Campbell: Well, I’m president of the Howdy Doody Circus Army.