3.01 Out of Town
Evangeline (to Archie Whitman): You get me in trouble, I’m going to cut your dick off and boil it in hog fat.
Evangeline (to midwife): I’m going to cut his dick off and boil it in hog fat.
Midwife (to Abigail Whitman): I told you God would give you a child.
Burt Peterson: Fellow comrades in mediocrity, I want you to listen very carefully: You can all go straight to hell.
Betty Draper: Carla said she saw Sally hitting it with a hammer. She’s taken to your tools like a little lesbian.
Betty Draper: I just want everything to be perfect. I want her to come into our home at its best.
Don Draper: Close your eyes.
Don Draper: You’re on a warm sandy beach. And you can smell the faint scent of coconut oil. And as you slide your hands through that cold patch of sand underneath your deck chair
Trudy Campbell: I love the sound of your voice right now.
Pete Campbell: That’s because I’m already drunk.
Trudy: Good for you.
Pete Campbell: I should call my mother.
Trudy Campbell: Oh, Peter, don’t go to the well, there’s no water there.
Salvatore Romano: That is a big bottle.
Don Draper: That’s not a bottle, that’s his date.
Salvatore: My, oh my, what a big bottle you have.
Don: Sorry honey, but I’m taken. I just pawned my typewriter so we can be together all weekend.
Salvatore Romano: I’ve flown a few times, but I’ve never actually seen a stewardess that game.
Don Draper: Really.
Don Draper: I don’t know. I keep going places and ending up somewhere I’ve already been.
Shelly: What are we doing?
Don Draper: I don’t know.
Shelly: I’m engaged. On the other hand, you might be my last chance.
Don: I’ve been married a long time. You get plenty of chances.
Don Draper: It’s my birthday.
Shelly: Really? Is it?
Don: It really is.
Shelly: Let me see your driver’s license.
Don: That’s not going to help.
Salvatore Romano: The one I have at home is different. I hope I didn’t break it.
Shelly: Do you like? Everyone’s always asking me if I was a model. But I wasn’t.
Salvatore Romano: Well, our worst fears lie in anticipation. That’s not me, that’s Balzac.
Don Draper: There will be fat years, and there will be lean years. But it is going to rain.
Pete Campbell: Why does it always have to be like this? Why can’t I get anything good all at once?
Don Draper: Limit your exposure.
Don Draper: So, Cosgrove versus Campbell. Is Cooper playing God or Darwin?
Roger Sterling: I know it sounds Japanese, but it’s not Cooper.
Don: Lane read about it in some management book?
Roger: I think it came from the home office. When he told me about it, I thought he was joking. I told him it was a stupid idea, but they don’t always get our inflection.
Bert Cooper: I don’t care what they say, London Fog is a great name.
Ken Cosgrove: They want us to hate each other. I refuse to participate in that.
Pete Campbell: Very nice. Very, very nice. Look at you—never break a sweat. You’re right, I should just lay down and we should run together holding hands.
John Hooker: This place is a gynocracy.
Lane Pryce: Hadn’t noticed.
Don Draper: I will always come home.
Don Draper: I don’t sleep well when I’m not here.
Sally Draper: Tell me about the day I was born.
Don Draper: Well it was um, middle of the night, and it was raining very hard. And I had just come home from work.
Betty Draper: He did not feel like getting back in the car. But he did, and I took my little stuffed Eyeore that I knew I was going to give you.
3.02 Love Among the Ruins
Peggy Olson: Let’s assume we can get a girl who can match Ann-Margret’s ability to be 25 and act 14.
Salvatore Romano: Is that what she’s doing?
Peggy Olson: Clients don’t always know what’s best.
Ken Cosgrove: When we land them, you can start talking to them that way.
Betty Draper: We’re out of Melba Toast.
Don Draper: Jesus Bets, have some oatmeal. That baby’s gonna weigh a pound.
Don Draper: We are going to Tarrytown. Then you’re gonna stare at some antique chair for so long, the buttons are gonna seem interesting. And then we’ll get a Carvel.
Pete Campbell: My great-great-grandfather Silas Dyckman would have turned his boat around if he had known that the city would one day be filled with cry-babies.
Don Draper: If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation.
Pete Campbell: He’s looking for an angle. You know those snide ad men you see in the movies? Right here.
Paul Kinsey: Look, now they’ll trust me more when I help them.
Pete Campbell: Do you ever listen to yourself?
Roger Sterling: What’s so urgent, London Bridge falling down?
Bertram Cooper: I don’t want to have to walk down here every time we lose an account. This is an advertising agency. I’ll wear out the carpet.
Joan Harris (nee Holloway): I hate you, you know that. Other than Wilma Flintstone, I haven’t seen anyone carry so well.
Roger Sterling: Oh look. Princess Grace just swallowed a basketball.
Betty Draper: Do you miss London?
Rebecca Pryce: God yes. But what we lost in London we gained in insects.
Don Draper: What? Tell me now and not three seconds after I’ve dozed off.
Roger Sterling: To my knees Don, they’re bringing me to my knees.
Don Draper: Sorry to hear that.
Roger Sterling: I made my bed I should lie in it.
Don Draper: Your words not mine.
Don Draper: And let’s also say that change is neither good or bad, it simply is. It can be greeted with terror or joy. A tantrum that says ‘I want it the way it was,’ or a dance that says ‘Look, something new.’
Don Draper: I was in California. Everything’s new, and it’s clean. The people are filled with hope. New York City is in decay, but Madison Square Garden is the beginning of a new city on a hill.
Gene Hofstadt: Thanks for the ritzy accommodations.
Don Draper: You’re an army man, Gene. Drop your socks and grab something.
Don Draper: Why the hell did you buy us in the first place?
Lane Pryce: I don’t know.
Peggy Olson: Don’t you find her voice shrill?
Don Draper: She’s throwing herself at the camera, it’s pure—makes your heart hurt.
Don Draper: You’re not an artist, Peggy, you solve problems. Leave some tools in your toolbox.
Gene Hofstadt: So the animals are running the zoo
Peggy Olson: I work for a jerk.
3.03 My Old Kentucky Home
Smitty: You’re going back in time?
Harry Crane: I’d love it if you could do the twist one more time.
Peggy Olson: Harry, you are not in this process. You’re a spectator. Don’t forget it.
Peggy Olson: I have plans. I really do.
Harry Crane: Well I would love to work all weekend, but I’m just a spectator.
Paul Kinsey: You’re all going?
Harry Crane: Well, I really wish I wasn’t.
Paul: Well then don’t. Give me your glasses, I’ll go as you.
Harry Crane: Are any of you wearing seersucker? I don’t want to look like a barbershop quartet.
Paul Kinsey: You know? We all started at the same time.
Salvatore Romano: I’ve been here six years longer than you.
Peggy Olson: They hate creative.
Jane Sterling: I just stopped by. Roger had my rings resized. I keep losing weight. Where are you living now?
Joan Harris: Same old place, but we’re looking. We’re thinking about Riverdale. It’s near Columbia Pres, and Greg wants a yard.
Jane Sterling: I don’t know. I get a nosebleed anywhere above 86th Street.
Gene Hofstadt: Oh, hello Don! How’s Babylon?
Gene Hofstadt: You just wait. All hell’s going to break loose.
Smitty: It’s Bacardelicious.
Peggy Olson: It’s Bacardelightful.
Peggy Olson: Paul helps me sleep.
Sally Draper: I just walked backwards all the way from the living room.
Greg Harris: Joannie, I don’t want to have a fight right now.
Joan Harris: Then stop talking.
Gene Hofstadt: You think money’s the answer to every problem.
Don Draper: No, just to this particular problem.
Peggy Olson: I’m Peggy Olson. I want to smoke some marijuana.
Peggy Olson: How do you know what I’ll like? You never ask me how I feel about anything except brassieres and body odor and makeup.
Don Draper: I am at work disguised as a party.
Connie: I’m at work disguised as a wedding.
Don Draper: Where I grew up there was a roadhouse. They boasted live music; that meant a drum, a bass, and a player piano with nobody at it. I parked cars. Fancy people would go there, they’d get loud, they’d get drunk. They wouldn’t let me use the toilet. So, when nature called, I’d open up a trunk and relieve myself.
Connie: You didn’t!
Don: I was fifteen. There’s probably some kid out there doing it to us right now.
Peggy Olson: I am so high.
Peggy Olson: The thing is, I have a job. I have my own office, with my name on the door. And I have a secretary—that’s you. And I am not scared of any of this.
Don Draper (to Roger Sterling): No one thinks you’re happy. They think you’re foolish.
Roger Sterling: You know that’s the great thing about a place like this. You can come here and be happy, and you get to choose your guests.
3.04 The Arrangements
Katherine Olson: Fifteen minutes of news and nothing about the Holy Father.
Peggy Olson: He’s still dead, Ma.
Anita Respola: You’re going to be one of those girls?
Peggy Olson: I am one of those girls.
Horace “Ho Ho” Cook, Jr.: I’m terrified of him catching balls in the face.
Don Draper: During the Depression, I saw somebody throw a loaf of bread off the back of a truck. It was more dignified.
Ken Cosgrove: What kind of mood is he in?
Allison: I’m never right.
“Ho Ho” Cook: I have this image in my mind: It’s his seventy-fifth birthday, and I give him a team.
Don Draper: You have a great fortune, and that’s not just money, it’s the future.
Joan Harris: Clean, responsible, considerate. I have some nice furniture and a small television. It reads like the stage directions from an Ibsen play.
Joan Harris: Fun-loving girl. Responsible sometimes. Likes to laugh. Lives to love. Seeks size 6 for city living and general gallivanting. No dull moments or dull men tolerated.
Katherine Olson: You’ll get raped, you know that.
3.05 The Fog
Ken Cosgrove: What time is it? What time isn’t it?
Suzanne Farrell: It’s going to be a beautiful summer.
Lane Pryce: It’s better to have a bit of Don Draper than no Don Draper at all.
Don Draper: I’d like that in writing.
Don Draper: They waste paper because they throw out bad ideas.
Lane Pryce: They waste paper because they use it to sop up spilled drinks right after their afternoon naps.
Don Draper: You came here because we do this better than you and part of that is letting our creatives be unproductive until they are.
Suzanne Farrell: I don’t know why I’m calling. I’m embarrassing myself.
Don Draper: No, you’re fine.
Dennis Hobart: You done this before?
Don Draper: Twice. And yet I never thought to bring a bottle.
Dennis Hobart: You throw the ball around?
Don Draper: Well the good news is, time has stopped.
Don Draper: Our worst fears lie in anticipation.
Betty Draper: I want to go home, you bitch!
Dennis Hobart: You’re an honest guy. Believe me, I’m an expert.
Betty Draper: I left my lunch pail on the bus. And I’m having a baby.
Gene Hofstadt: You’re a house cat. You’re very important, and you have little to do.
Duck Philips (to Pete and Peggy): I woke up one day and had a realization. You two have a secret relationship.
Pete Campbell: If you want to woo me, you’ll have to buy me my own lunch.
Hollis: Every job has its ups and downs.
Peggy Olson: I look at you and I think, I want what he has.
Don Draper: Really?
Peggy: You have everything, and so much of it.
Don: I suppose that’s probably true.
Peggy Olson: What if this is my time?
Peggy Olson: It’s my decision, Pete.
Pete Campbell: Your decisions affect me.
Roger Sterling: Let me put it in account terms: Are you aware of the number of hand jobs I’m going to have to give?
Pete Campbell: Am I being taken off the account?
Roger: I’m going to have to pretend I had you killed!
Lane Pryce: Are we done with the flogging?
Roger Sterling: It’s never as good as you think it’s going to be.
Saint John Powell: A tragedy with a happy ending. My favorite kind.
Guy McKendrick: I know everything about you. You’re a very impressive fellow.
Pete Campbell: I wish I could return the compliment.
Guy McKendrick: I know everything about you. You are a very impressive young woman.
Peggy Olson: Why thank you. I was writing copy.
Harold Ford: Don’t pout. One of your greatest qualities is you always do as you’re told.
Harry Crane: What the hell just happened?
Pete Campbell: They reorganized us and you’re the only one in this room who got a promotion.
Roger Sterling: Yes! Really.
Roger Sterling: Any news?
Paul Kinsey: He might lose his foot.
Roger: Right when he got it in the door.
Joan Harris: I bet he felt great when he woke up this morning.
Don Draper: I’m sure you’re right.
Joan: But that’s life. One minute you’re on top of the world, the next minute some secretary’s running you over with a lawn mower.
Saint John Powell: The doctor said he’ll never golf again.
Lane Pryce: I feel like I just went to my own funeral. I didn’t like the eulogy.
Don Draper: He hated me and I hated him: That’s the memory.
Don Draper: This is your little brother. He’s only a baby, and we don’t know who he is yet, or who he’s going to be. And that is a wonderful thing.
3.07 Seven Twenty Three
Decorator: That’s your hearth, darling, that’s the soul of your home. People gather around a fire even if there isn’t one.
Roger Sterling: I watched the sunrise today. Couldn’t sleep.
Don Draper: How was it?
Don Draper: Maybe I’m late because I was spending time with my family reading the Bible.
Conrad Hilton: Having me in your life is going to change things.
Don Draper: I look forward to it.
Conrad Hilton: They always say that.
Conrad Hilton: Young people give us energy, don’t forget that.
Francine Hanson: It’s not adorable to pretend like you’re not adorable.
Betty Draper: I may know someone in the governor’s office.
Betty Draper: I just realized everyone who calls you must want something.
Pete Campbell: Hermes. Nice.
Peggy Olson: I hope yours is a different color. ˜Elegance and success. Duck.’ I wonder who wrote that for him.
Peggy Olson: Stop barging in here and infecting me with your anxiety.
Peggy Olson: What do you want from me?
Duck Phillips: I want to take you in that bedroom, lock the door, take your clothes off with my teeth, throw you on the bed and give you a go-around like you’ve never had.
Archie Whitman: Look at you, up to your old tricks. You’re a bum, you know that?
Don Draper: No, I’m not.
Archie: Conrad Hilton? You wouldn’t expect him to be taken so easily.
Don: Shut up.
Archie: You can’t be tied down.
Don: That’s right.
Archie: Look at your hands, they’re as soft as a woman’s. What do you do? What do you make? You grow bullshit!
Bert Cooper: Would you say I know something about you, Don?
Don Draper: I would.
Ken Cosgrove: Still working, Campbell? There’s no reason to show off: Cooper’s in Montana, Sterling’s in Jane, and Draper’s on vacation.
Betty Draper: Rome? That’s a lot better than Dallas.
Don Draper: Not for two days it isn’t. I’ll see the Coliseum from a taxicab.
Henry Francis: Well I think you’ll find I put my heart into things when something’s important to me. Or someone.
Betty Draper: I know you’ll be working the whole time, but I just want to get on a plane.
Pete Campbell: Let me speak to the manager.
Sales clerk: Of the entire store?
Pete: Of the Republic of Dresses! Whoever can help me with this, because you’re falling short.
Don Draper: I’m only in Rome for one night. I won’t have my heart broken.
Betty Draper: They said you were ugly.
Don Draper: Does that bother you?
Betty: You think because of the way I’m dressed that I’m shallow?
Don: I was just hoping you were easy.
Betty: They said that, too.
Don: What brings you to Rome? Seen anything interesting?
Betty: Mmmm, I could take it or leave it.
Don Draper (to Betty): You’re tiny!
Don Draper: I like sleeping on this side of the bed.
Betty Draper: You don’t kiss boys, boys kiss you. The first kiss is very special.
Sally Draper: But I already did it. It’s over.
Betty: You’re going to have a lot of first kisses. You’re going to want it to be special, so you’ll remember. It’s where you go from being a stranger to knowing someone. And every kiss with them after that is a shadow of that kiss.
Pete Campbell: Kinsey invented some contraption that can shoot a water balloon across the office. We filled it with ketchup.
Betty Draper: What’s wrong? I hate this place. I hate our friends. I hate this town.
Don Draper: Oh Bets, we’ll go away again, you know we will.
3.09 Wee Small Hours
Connie Hilton: America is wherever we look, wherever we’re going to be.
Don Draper (to Kurt Smith): Now that I can finally understand you, I am less impressed with what you have to say.
Connie Hilton: After all the things we threw at Khrushchev, you know what made him fall apart? He couldn’t get into Disneyland.
3.10 The Color Blue
Sally Draper: Why don’t we go to church?
Betty Draper: Are you going to sleep here tonight?
Don Draper: No.
Don Draper: The truth is people may see things differently, but they don’t want to.
Peggy Olson: No one’s keeping score.
Paul Kinsey: I am.
Rebecca Pryce (about John Hooker): Oh, he’s such a toad.
Lane Pryce: He is, he is.
Roger Sterling: It’s not like it’s our company anymore, anyway.
John Hooker: Very rousing, sir.
Lane Pryce: Churchill rousing? Or Hitler rousing?
John Hooker: London calling.
Bertram Cooper: you really pour the honey on. Then you lick it off.
Bertram Cooper: Who told you I was vain?
Lane Pryce: Please, it’s obvious.
Lane Pryce: Am I to entertain your ballad of dissatisfaction, or has something actually happened? Because I am at work, dear.
3.11 The Gypsy and the Hobo
Roger Sterling: You want to be on some people’s minds. Some people’s you don’t.
Joan Harris: Look at you figuring things out for yourself.
Betty Draper: It’s a lie so big, Milton. I feel like I’ve been in some dream since I found out. Just saying it out loud to you is the first time I’m realizing it’s true.
Betty Draper: Are you thinking of what to say or are you just looking at that door?
Don Draper: I was surprised that you ever loved me.
Betty Draper: I’m sorry. I am.
Roger Sterling: I want to help her out. She’s important to me.
Greg Harris: I’m sorry Joanie. And I’m gonna buy you another vase to put those in.
Don Draper: Only you would ask about me right now.
Roger Sterling: Well I’m not going to sit here and brag about how big I am.
Suzanne Farrell: Here we are, and I look at your life, and even if I remove myself from the picture, I see a man who is not happy.
Suzanne Farrell: I just wanted more than I thought I would want. But it’ll pass. Actually I know for a fact it will.
Betty Draper: I respected your privacy too long. Open it.
Betty Draper: You’re a very, very gifted storyteller.
Betty Draper: You don’t get to ask any questions.
Carlton Hanson: And who are you supposed to be?
Don Draper: He was my half brother. And he died. Killed himself. He came to me because he wanted help and I turned him away. He didn’t even want help he just, just wanted to be part of my life. And I couldn’t risk all of this. He hung himself.
Sally Draper: I’m always going to love Minnie Mouse.
Roger Sterling: Mr. Hooker has rearranged the secretaries in the pool alphabetically.
Joan Harris: By cup size?
Greg Harris: You don’t know! You don’t know what it’s like to want something your whole life, and to plan for it and, and count on it and not get it, okay?
Don Draper: Any agency that does not change the name is stealing your money.
Don Draper: It’s a label on a can. And it will be true because it will promise the quality of the product that’s inside.
Don Draper: Where do you want me to start?
Betty Draper: What’s your name?
Don: Donald Draper. But it used to be Dick Whitman.
Betty Draper: All this time I thought you were a football hero who hated his father. I knew you were poor. I knew you were ashamed of it. I see how you are with money. You don’t understand it.
Don Draper: I was very poor.
Don Draper: I didn’t think I had a choice. I don’t know what the difference is. This is our house. Those are our children.
Betty Draper: I don’t know who you are.
Don Draper: Yes you do.
Episode 3.12: The Grown-Ups.
Pete Campbell: I hope this was a difficult decision.
Lane Pryce: It was.
Pete Campbell: I couldn’t even hear. All I saw was his frog-like mouth flapping.
Duck Philips: Come on, Creative, be creative.
Paul Kinsey: I know a nooner when I hear one.
Don Draper: Why are the kids watching this?
Betty Draper: What am I supposed to do, Don? Am I supposed to keep it from them?
Don Draper: Everything’s going to be okay. We have a new president, and we’re all going to be sad for a little bit. And then on Monday there’s going to be a funeral.
Bobby Draper: Are we going to the funeral?
Trudy Campbell: I don’t care what your politics are, this is America. You don’t just shoot the President.
Roger Sterling: Mona, you’re a lioness. And thank you for resisting the urge to eat your cub.
Betty Draper: I want to scream at you for ruining all this.
Peggy Olson: What are you doing here?
Don Draper: Bars are closed.
Peggy: My roommate invited over half the building, so they could watch TV and write condolence letters to Jackie. Then I went to my sister’s, and my mother was crying and praying so hard, there wasn’t room for anyone else to feel anything.
Conrad Hilton: Sterling, I don’t know. Cooper will definitely be put on an ice floe. But you’re a prize pig. You’ll make more money, pick up stock. You won’t have to live and die with every account.
Conrad Hilton: You know? I got everything I have on my own. It’s made me immune to those who complain and cry because they can’t. I didn’t take you for one of them, Don. Are you?
Conrad Hilton: Some other time we’ll try again.
Don Draper: Because I’m sick of being batted around like a ping pong ball. Who the hell is in charge, a bunch of accountants trying to make a dollar into a dollar ten? I want to work. I want to build something of my own. How do you not understand that? You did it yourself forty years ago.
Roger Sterling: And now you’re sniffing around because I have a golden pork chop dangling from my neck.
Bertram Cooper: You sold your birthright so you could marry that trollop.
Roger Sterling: You’re not good at relationships because you don’t value them.
Roger Sterling: So you do want to be in advertising after all.
Betty Draper: I made an appointment with a divorce attorney, and I suggest you do the same.
Betty Draper: I’ve had a tough year.
Roger Sterling: Lane, we’ve worked next to each other for a year. Don’t act like a stranger. We got tea.
Roger Sterling: You’re gonna read us your will? I want the Cadillac.
Roger Sterling: Have another. It’s 9:30 for god’s sake.
Roger Sterling: Well, it’s official. Friday, December 13th, 1963. Four guys shot their own legs off.
Peggy Olson: You just assume I’ll do whatever you say. Just follow you like some nervous poodle.
Peggy Olson: I’ve had other offers, you know, that came with a sales pitch about opportunity. Everyone thinks you do all my work. Even you. I don’t want to make a career out of being there so you can kick me when you fail.
Pete Campbell: Am I getting a few more adjectives added to my title?
Roger Sterling: I’ve acted like I started a business my whole life, but I inherited it.
Pete Campbell: Hey everybody, Harry Crane is here!
Roger Sterling: Peggy, can you get me some coffee?
Peggy Olson: No.
Sally Draper: You say things and you don’t mean them. And you can’t just do that.
Don Draper: No. Because there are people out there who buy things, people like you and me. And something happened. Something terrible. And the way that they saw themselves is gone. And nobody understands that. But you do. And that’s very valuable.
Peggy Olson: Is it?
Don: With you or without you I’m moving on. And I don’t know if I can do it alone. Will you help me?
Peggy: What if I say no? You’ll never speak to me again.
Don: No. I will spend the rest of my life trying to hire you.
Roger Sterling: Mrs. Harris, what a pleasure to see you.
Don Draper: Joan. What a good idea.
Don Draper: I’m at the Roosevelt but I’ll need you to find me an apartment.
Joan Harris: Furnished?
Don: For the time being.
Roger Sterling: How long do you think it’ll take us to be in a place like this again.
Don Draper: I never saw myself working in a place like this.
Allison: We’ve been robbed!
Lane Pryce: Hello, Don.
Don Draper: How was your morning?
Lane: Very productive.
Roger Sterling: You know, if you leave your shoes outside the door here, somebody polishes them.