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1:01 Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

Opening titles:
MAD MEN: A term coined in the late 1950’s to describe the advertising executives of Madison Avenue.

They coined it.

Don Draper: Okay, let’s just say, tomorrow a tobacco weevil comes and eats every last Old Gold on the planet.
Sam: That’s a sad story.
Don: It’s a tragedy.

Midge Daniels: Is this the part where I say ˜Don Draper is the greatest ad man ever, and his big, strong brain will find a way to lead the sheep to the slaughterhouse’?”
Don Draper: I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.

Don Draper: We should get married.
Midge Daniels: You think I’d make a good ex-wife?

Joan Holloway: Go home, take a paper bag, cut some eye holes out of it. Put it over your head, get undressed and look at yourself in the mirror. Really evaluate where your strengths and weaknesses are. And be honest.

Don Draper: Most of the Jewish guys work for the Jewish firms.
Roger Sterling: Yeah, I know. Selling Jewish products to Jewish people.

Pete Campbell: Of course I love you. I’m giving up my life to be with you, aren’t I?

Don Draper (about Pete):Can you go out there and entertain him?
Peggy Olson: I know it’s my first day, and I don’t want to seem uncooperative, but, do I have to?
Don: I see your point.

Dr. Emerson: Don’t think you have to go out and become the town pump just to get your money’s worth.

Don Draper: I’m not gonna let a woman speak to me like this.

Pete Campbell (about Rachel Menken): Adding money and education doesn’t take the rude edge out of people.

Don Draper (to Pete): Let’s take it a little slower, I don’t want to wake up pregnant.

Don Draper: This is the greatest advertising opportunity since the invention of cereal.

Don Draper: Advertising is based on one thing: Happiness. And you know what happiness is? Happiness is the smell of a new car It’s freedom from fear. It’s a billboard on the side of the road that screams with reassurance that whatever you’re doing is okay. You are okay.

Don Draper: Fear stimulates my imagination.

Don Draper: I’m saying I had a report just like that, and it’s not like they have some magic machine that makes identical copies of things.

Don Draper: What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.

1:02 Ladies Room

(The guys have taken Ken’s shirt off when Bert Cooper walks in.)
Don Draper: Brassiere account. Just figured out we can’t sell them to men.

Joan Holloway: That sandwich is making me sad.

Betty Draper: It’s hard to hold onto anything these days.

Peggy Olson: I’m from Bay Ridge. we have manners.

Betty Draper: I don’t know why I’m here. I mean, I do, I’m nervous, I guess. Anxious. I don’t sleep that well. And my hands. They’re fine now, it’s like when you have a problem with your car and you go to a mechanic and it’s not doing it anymore. Not that you’re a mechanic. I guess a lot of people must come here worried about the bomb. Is that true? It’s a common nightmare, people say. I read it in a magazine. My mother always told me that it wasn’t polite to talk about yourself. She passed away recently. I guess I already said that.

Don Draper: What do women want?
Roger Sterling: Who cares?

Roger Sterling: You know what? I am very comfortable with my mind. Thoughts clean and unclean, loving and… the opposite of that. But I am not a woman. And I think it behooves any man to toss all female troubles into the hands of a stranger.

Don Draper: I see to remember a woman wasting a good piece of a beautiful afternoon reciting this diatribe against television that should have ended with her banging her shoe on the table.

Paul Kinsey: Sterling Coo is positively Cro-Magnon. I have a friend”I’m not even going to say what agency”but all they do is smoke Mary Jane and play darts. And honestly, I think they’re the best store on the street.

1:03 Marriage of Figaro

Pete Campbell: Who put the Chinamen in my office?

Peggy Olson: They paid an Oriental family to be in Mr. Campbell’s office.
Don Draper: Someone will finally be working in there.

Roger Sterling (about the Volkswagen ad): Bernbach. He’s a Jew. If I were him, I wouldn’t want to help reindustrialize Germany.
Salvatore Romano: Everybody’s got a price.

Rachel Menken: It’s nice the way you handled that. It’s hard to get caught in a lie.
Don Draper: Well, it wasn’t a lie. It was…ineptitude with insufficient cover.

Harry Crane: Draper? Who knows anything about that guy? No one’s ever lifted that rock. He could be Batman for all we know.

Betty Draper (to Don): Everyone’s going to be here soon, why don’t you go up and take a shower?
Francine Hanson: Want company?

1:04 New Amsterdam

Paul Kinsey (about Bob Newhart): It’s not Lenny Bruce.
Harry Crane: This is better. It’s funny.

Don Draper: Sterling Cooper has more failed artists and intellectuals than the Third Reich.

Pete Campbell: You know what? I have good ideas. In fact, I used to carry around a notebook and a pen, just to keep track. Direct marketing? I thought of that. It turned out it already existed, but I arrived at it independently. And then I come to this place, and you people tell me that I’m good with people, which is strange, because I’d never heard that before.

Don Draper: Listen, Pete, I need you to go get a cardboard box. Put your things in it. Okay?

Bert Cooper: New York City is a marvelous machine filled with a mesh of levers and gears and springs, like a fine watch, wound tight. Always ticking.
Don Draper: Sounds more like a bomb.

Bert Cooper: There’s a Pete Campbell at every agency out there.
Don Draper: Well, let’s get one of the other ones.

Pete Campbell: I won’t let you down, Don.
Roger Sterling: Jesus, Campbell! Don’t ever say that.

Don Draper (to Roger Sterling): Maybe I’m not as comfortable being powerless as you are.

Roger Sterling: I bet there were people in the Bible, walking around complaining about kids today.
Don Draper: Kids today, they’ve got no one to look up to. ˜Cause they’re looking up to us.

Betty Draper (telling Dr. Wayne about Glen Bishop): The person taking care of him isn’t giving him what he needs.

1:05 5G

Paul Kinsey (to Ken Cosgrove): You’re a writer. You…write.

Midge Daniels: Just get down here. I want you to pull my hair, ravish me, and leave me for dead.

Midge Daniels: You like to come here, acting like somebody else.

Midge Daniels: I like being your medicine.
Don Draper: Okay.

Roger Sterling: I guarantee it”in the bottom drawer of every desk in this place is the first ten pages of a novel.
Don Draper: Five.

Roger Sterling: I’m glad everybody can make it sound like they’re working so hard.

Don Draper (to Adam Whitman): I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else.

Don Draper: What happened to her?
Adam Whitman: Mom?
Don: She wasn’t my mother. She never let me forget that.
Adam: She’s gone. Stomach cancer.
Don: Good.

Pete Campbell (to Trudy Campbell): You don’t want me to have what I want.

Don Draper: I have a life. And it only goes in one direction. Forward.

Don Draper (to Adam Whitman): You thought I was dead. Just go back to thinking that.

1:06 Babylon

Don Draper: Well, some men like…eyebrows. And all men like Joan Crawford. Salvatore couldn’t stop talking about her.

Don Draper: Mourning is just extended self-pity. In New Guinea, pygmies grind up their ancestors and drink the powder in a beer.

Fred Rumsen (about his morning screwdriver): Breakfast without orange juice is a hell of a long day.

Mona Sterling (to Joan and Don): Don’t you two make a handsome couple?
Joan Holloway: Honestly? I don’t go for handsome.

Roger Sterling: Aren’t you even going to have any of this? Look, we’ve got Oysters Rockefeller! Beef Wellington! Napoleons! We leave this lunch alone, it’ll take over Europe.

Joan Holloway (in a hotel): I don’t like eating in here. Food that close to the bed reminds me of a hospital.

Don Draper: So, we’ve got a quasi-communist state where women have guns, and it’s filled with Jews.

Joan Holloway: Roger, I know as much about men as you know about advertising and I know that the sneaking around is your favorite part.

Peggy Olson: Here’s your basket of kisses.

Peggy: I don’t think anyone wants to be one of a hundred colors in a box.

Fred Rumsen (about Peggy): It was like watching a dog play the piano.

Midge Daniels: I’ll wear a skirt…and nothing else.

Roy: So, what do you do, Don?
Don Draper: I blow up bridges.
Midge: Don’s in advertising.
Roy: No way! Madison Avenue? What a gas!
Midge: We all have to serve somebody.
Roy: Perpetuating the lie. How do you sleep at night?
Don: On a bed made of money.

Beatnik performer:
Last night I dreamed
of making love to Fidel Castro
In a king-sized bed
at the Waldorf Astoria.
Viva la revolucion! he roared
as he vanquished my dress.
Outside the window
Nikita Kruschev watched us
Plucking a chicken.

1:07 Red in the Face

Roger Sterling: Drinking milk, I never liked it. I hate cows.

Peggy Olson: Mr. Rumsen liked my ideas in the brainstorming thingy.
Pete Campbell: Sanitary napkins?
Peggy: No. Lipstick.
Pete: What’d I say?

Roger Sterling (to Joan Holloway): Come on over. I’ll put on my whites, I’ll pretend it’s V-J Day.

Dr. Wayne (about Betty Draper): Mostly she seems consumed with petty jealousies and overwhelmed with everyday activities. Basically we’re dealing with the emotions of a child, here.

Roger Sterling (to Don Draper): From the way you drop your G’s every once in a while, I always thought you were raised on a farm.

Betty Draper (to Don Draper): You want to bounce me off the walls? Will that make you feel better?

Betty Draper: As far as I’m concerned, as long as men look at me that way, I’m earning my keep. Then every once in a while I think, no. This is something else. I don’t want my husband to see this.
Francine Hanson: I love to be looked at that way.

Roger Sterling: One minute you’re drinking in a bar and they come and tell you your kid’s been born, the next thing you know they’re heading off to college.

1:08 The Hobo Code

Pete Campbell: Peggy, do you know how hard it is to see you walking around here every day?

Don Draper (to Bobby): I will never lie to you.

Don Draper: Listen, I’m not here to tell you about Jesus. You already know about Jesus. Either he lives in your heart or he doesn’t. Every woman wants choices, but in the end none wants to be one of a hundred in a box. She’s unique. She makes the choices and she’s chosen him. She wants to tell the world he’s mine. He belongs to me, not you. She marks her man with her lips; he is her possession. You’ve given every girl that wears your lipstick the gift of total ownership.

Pete Campbell: I have all these things going on in my head and I can’t say them.
Peggy Olson: Do you think about me?
Pete: I’ll be honest, a few times. You’re only twenty yards away.
Peggy: Not right now.

Pete Campbell: I wake up in the morning, and I look into Trudy’s eyes, and I think ‘We’re supposed to be one person,’ but whatever I try—all these things going on in my head—she’s just another stranger.

(Don Draper and Bert Cooper discuss Atlas Shrugged.)
Cooper: When you hit forty, you realize that you’ve met or seen every kind of person there is, and I know what kind you are because I believe we are alike.
Don: I assume that’s flattering.
Cooper: By that I mean, you are a productive and reasonable man but in the end completely self interested. It’s strength, we are different; unsentimental about all the people who depend upon our hard work. Take a dollar ninety nine out of that twenty five hundred dollars and buy yourself a copy.
Don: I will.

Lois Sadler: I work in a closet all day, so just to come out and walk around is wonderful.

Pete Campbell (to Trudy Campbell, when she stops by unannounced): This is my office, how do you think it looks?

Don Draper: Ken, you’ll realize in your private life that at a certain point seduction is over, and force is actually being requested.
Fred Rumsen: Ah, he’s a kid, he thinks it’s the other way around.

Fred Rumsen (to Peggy Olson): Home run, ballerina.

Fred Rumsen: You may be a writer, honey.
Peggy Olson: Really?
Fred: You’re arrogant.

Roy Haselit: We’re going to get high and listen to Miles.

Don Draper (asked how he likes smoking pot): I feel like Dorothy, everything just turned to color.

Beatnik girl: How come every time we have a party the ladies have to listen to the men talk?

Elliot Lawrence (to Salvatore): You’re loud but you’re shy.

Elliot Lawrence: What are you afraid of?
Salvatore Romano: Are you joking?

Dick Whitman: Ain’t you heard? I’m a whore child.

Don Draper: Every day I make pictures where people appear to be in love. I know what it looks like.

Don Draper: I hate to break it to you but there is no big lie. There is no system. The universe is indifferent.

1:09 Shoot

Jim Hobart: You know, we got that Israeli tourism thing.
Don Draper: Mazel tov.

Betty Draper: Oh, we ran into this agency head. Apparently he’s courting Don. He gave me his card; asked me if I wanted to do any modeling.
Francine Hanson: Oh, that’s a heck of a line. What did Don say?
Betty: He basically said the man was trying to sleep with one of us and he didn’t like the idea of either.

Jim Hobart: Can you imagine the lifestyle that goes with handling Pan Am? It’s a panty dropper.

Betty Draper (about meeting Don when she modeled a fur): I remember he saw that I didn’t like giving the coat back. That’s always the hardest part.

Betty Draper (about her mother): She wanted me to be beautiful so I could find a man. There’s nothing wrong with that. But then what? Just sit and smoke and let it go ˜til you’re in a box?

Dr. Wayne: You’re angry at your mother.
Betty Draper (turning and glaring at him): You don’t listen to what I say and then out of nowhere you provoke me.

Neighbor (to Sally Draper): If I see that dog in my yard again, I’m going to shoot it.

Salvatore Romano (about Jackie Kennedy): I think women will hate her. It’s like their better looking sister marries a handsome senator and she’s going to live in the White House. I’m practically jealous.

Ken Cosgrove (about Peggy’s weight gain): It’s a tragedy–piece of fruit that went real bad, real fast, and no one ever got to eat it.

Pete Campbell (about Secor Laxative): They have no sense of humor about their product.

Betty Draper (about Sally): Did you see those big tears? I really want to get a picture of her crying one day.

Don Draper: If I leave this place one day, it will not be for more advertising.
Roger Sterling: What else is there?
Don: I don’t know, life being lived? I’d like to stop talking about it and get back to it.

Don Draper (to Betty Draper): I would have given anything to have a mother like you—beautiful and kind, filled with love like an angel.

1:10 Long Weekend

(about Kennedy ad)
Don Draper: It’s light, it’s fun, doesn’t cloud the mind with–I don’t know–issues. It’s catchy.
Harry Crane: It’s catchy like it gets in your head and makes you want to blow your brains out.
Pete Campbell: The president is a product, don’t forget that.

Abe Menken: Can’t I keep what I have and just build on it?
Don Draper: Well, honestly, the unpleasant truth is, you don’t have anything. Your customers cannot be depended on anymore. Their lives have changed. They’re prosperous. Over the years, they’ve developed new tastes. They’re like your daughter, educated, sophisticated. They know full well what they deserve and they’re willing to pay for it.

Abe Menken: This place reminds me of a Czarist ministry. No matter what the decision, you don’t feel it was yours.
Rachel Menken: Fortunately, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Joan Holloway: These men, we’re constantly building them up. And for what? Dinner? Jewelry? Who cares!

Joan Holloway: I feel like I’m stuck somewhere between Doris Day in Pillow Talk and Midnight Lace, when what I need to be is Kim Novak in just about anything.

Mirabelle (about Roger Sterling): Oh my, everything he says means something else too.

Roger Sterling: I want to suck your blood like Dracula.

Roger Sterling: All these years I thought it would be the ulcer. Did everything they told me. Drank the cream, ate the butter, I get hit with a coronary. Son of a bitch, it hurts.

Roger Sterling: Jesus! I’ve been living the last twenty years like I’m on shore leave. What the hell is that about?

Betty Draper: I know people say life goes on, and it does, and no one tells you that’s not a good thing. Why is that?

Don Draper: I remember the first time I was a pallbearer. I’d seen dead bodies before. I must have been fifteen. My aunt. I remember thinking, ‘They’re letting me carry the box, they’re letting me be this close to it, they re not hiding anything from me now.’ And then I looked over and I saw all the old people waiting together by the grave and I remember thinking I, I just moved up a notch.

Rachel Menken: Is this, like, some solar eclipse? The end of the world? Just do whatever you want?

Don Draper: Jesus, Rachel, this is it. This is all there is, and I feel like it’s slipping through my fingers like a handful of sand. This is it. This is all there is.

Bert Cooper (to Joan Holloway): Don’t waste your youth on age.

Roger Sterling (to Don Draper, about picking up women): I can use you as bait.

Roger Sterling: Remember Don, when God closes a door, he opens a dress.

Don Draper (to Roger Sterling, slapping his face): Mona! Your wife’s name is Mona.

Pete Campbell: Peggy, dear, I think I understand what this is about, but you’re not being professional right now.
Peggy Olson: I cannot believe I am in this conversation.
Pete: You think this is easy for me?
Peggy: I don’t know. I don’t know if you like me, or if you don’t like me. I’m just trying to get along here. And every time I walk by, I wonder if you’re going to be nice to me, or cruel.
Pete: Cruel? What am I supposed to say? I’m married.
Peggy: Yes, I know. And I heard all about how confusing that can be. Maybe you need me to lay on your couch to clear that up for you again.
Pete: That’s some imagination you’ve got. Good thing you’re a writer now. What do you need me for?

Don Draper (to Pete Campbell, and then Roger Sterling to Don): The day you sign a client is the day you start losing him.

Don Draper (to Rachel Menken): You told me your mother died in childbirth. Mine did too. She was a prostitute. I don’t know what my father paid her but when she died they brought me to him and his wife. And when I was ten years old he died. He was a drunk who got kicked in the face by a horse. She buried him and took up with some other man. I was raised by those two sorry people.

1:11 Indian Summer

Don Draper: Peggy, will you bring me a glass of ice water? Someone forgot to tell the sun it’s October.

Don Draper (about writing): Just think about it. Deeply. Then forget it. And an idea will jump up in your face.

Roger Sterling: I feel like I should make a speech–get back to work.

Roger Sterling: I shall be both dog and pony.

Harry Crane (about Roger): He looks like death.
Paul Kinsey: I know. His hair and his skin are the same color.

Francine Hanson (looking at her shirt): Soon the milk stains will meet the sweat stains

Peggy Olson: [Joan is]s a scream, she lives in the city. There’s a bar in Manhattan where the glasses are chilled.

Don Draper (to Dr. Wayne): After hundreds of dollars, all you’ve managed to do is make her more unhappy.

Don Draper (to Dr. Wayne): You took a woman with a bad case of nerves and you made her weaker, not stronger. I’m afraid to leave her alone.

Don Draper (about the Rejuvenator): From what I understand it provides the pleasure of a man…without the man.

(Pete tells Hildy to let him know when Bert Cooper and Don are finished in Roger’s office.)
: Sure. I’ll just sit here and watch the door. That’s all I’ll do.
Pete Campbell: Just who the hell do you think you’re talking to?

Don Draper (upon being offered Roger’s job by Bert in Roger’s office): As a symbolic gesture, I think telling me that in here is in bad taste.
Bert Cooper: That’s the way it works, Roger knows that. I’m not adding your name to the masthead, I’m restoring faith to our clients.

Peggy Olson: Those people in Manhattan? They are better than us. Because they want things they haven’t seen.

1:12 Nixon vs. Kennedy

Ken Cosgrove: That’s him. Duck Phillips. I know his name.
Pete Campbell: Because it’s Duck.

Roger Sterling: Look, I want to tell you something, because you’re very dear to me. I hope you understand it comes from the bottom of my damaged, damaged heart. You are the finest piece of ass I ever had and I don’t care who knows it. I am so glad that I got to roam those hillsides. I mean it. I’ve had a lot of time to think about the things I’ve done and been sorry about. And being with you is not one of them.

Paul Kinsey: Did you like the play?
Joan Holloway: No.
Paul: The meaner you are, the more I like you.
Joan: I know.

Peggy: I don’t understand. I try to do my job. I follow the rules and people hate me. Innocent people get hurt, and, and other people, people who are not good, get to walk around doing anything they want. It’s not fair.

Bertram Cooper: Mr. Campbell, who cares?

1:13 The Wheel
Tom Vogel: Did you know that there’s a surge in adolescence right now?

Betty Draper: I don’t understand why you can’t make my family your family.

Betty Draper: Assuming the worst.
Francine Hanson: The worst is that I’d poison him. He’s so stupid, he’d drink anything. I’m going to have a houseful of people. I’ll poison them all. His parents, my parents, my kids.

Duck Philips: First things first, when I call a meeting, you arrive after me, you are late.

Don Draper: Bringing in business is the key to your salary, your status, and your self-worth.

Ken Cosgrove: If I get a hard time about this, I’m telling people it was your idea.
Peggy Olson: It was my idea.

Betty Draper: How could someone do that to the person that they love; that they have children with? Doesn’t this all mean anything?
Don Draper: Who knows why people do what they do?

Ken Cosgrove (to Peggy): It’s too bad your voice is so annoying.

Ken Cosgrove: Pegs, a woman who looks like that will never sound confident, because she never is confident.
Peggy Olson: Baloney.
Ken: Honey, it’s God’s gift to bachelors: The juiciest gazelle is the easiest to catch.

Betty Draper: Glen, I can’t talk to anyone. It’s so horrible. I’m so sad.
Glen Bishop: Don’t cry.
Betty: Please, please tell me I’ll be okay.
Glen: I don’t know. I wish I was older.
Betty: Oh, adults don’t know anything, Glen.

Pete Campbell: It matters to me that you’re impressed.
Don Draper: I am.

Betty Draper: I can’t help but think that I would be happy if my husband was faithful to me.

Betty Draper: The way he makes love–sometimes it’s what I want, but sometimes it’s obviously what someone else wants. I suppose it means I’m not enough. But maybe it’s just him.

Don Draper: Well, technology is a glittering lure, but, um, there is the rare occasion when the public can be engaged on a level beyond flash, if they have a sentimental bond with the product. My first job, I was in-house at a fur company and this old pro copywriter, Greek, named Teddy. And Teddy told me the most important idea in advertising is ‘new,’ it creates an itch. You simply put your product in there as a kind of calamine lotion. But he also talked about a deeper bond with the product; nostalgia. It’s delicate, but potent.

Don Draper: Teddy told me that in Greek, nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound. It’s a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine. Goes backwards, forwards, and takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It’s not called “The Wheel,” it’s called “The Carousel.” It lets us travel the way a child travels, round and around and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.

Duck Philips: It’s not just a victory for us, it’s a victory for civilization.

Don Draper: Miss Olson you are now a junior copywriter. Your first account will be delivering Clearasil to the spotted masses.