We are delighted to announce that thanks to some inside connections, Basket of Kisses will offer the collective wisdom of the Sterling Cooper & Partners team to address our readers’ moral quandaries, lovelorn queries, and general questions about life. We’re inaugurating the weekly series with Roger Sterling as our resident sage. Mr. Sterling is more than happy to take time away from his sinecure to mentor anyone who shares his mission to remain a perpetual puer.
Dear Roger: My third wife has announced that she wants a divorce. To add insult to injury, she revealed that she has been conducting multiple affairs with the gardener, the butler, and the high school senior who’s been tutoring our son in calculus. She insists that I buy her a condo in Florida for her to abscond to with her teenage lover. To make matters worse, she is best friends with the wife of the chairman of the board of my Fortune 500 company. Signed, Cuckolded in Cuyahogue
Dear… mind if I call you Cuck for short? You, my friend, need a dirty martini. My two cents? Buy her the condo already. Ex-wives are useful, Cuck. The good-looking ones set off a tux, the charming ones make you look good, and the smart ones are terrific company. Just make sure to keep each one in a separate part of town. Also, I never need them myself, but I hear rubbers are de rigeur with an unfaithful spouse.
Dear Roger: On Take Your Daughter to work day, my kid caught my secretary taking dictation on my lap. She’s threatening to tell my wife. What should I do? Signed, Blackmailed by the Baby
Dear Blackmailed: I suppose the kid’s too young to own a condo, right? That usually keeps them quiet. For a while. Until they ask for a beach house in Montauk. Will a studio apartment in the city do? Speaking of which, I recommend a Manhattan. You’d be surprised what a little bourbon and a dash of sweet vermouth can do for your disposition.
Dear Roger: My son just came out as gay. We’re pretty close but I don’t know how to handle it. Signed, Manly in Manhassett
Dear Manly: Beats me, ace. Pull up a chair and let’s drink Old Fashioneds. Hope you’re not too macho for the maraschino cherry on top…