Scandal: Murderers’ Row

 Posted by on March 14, 2014 at 2:53 pm  Scandal
Mar 142014

scandal-no-sun-on-the-horizonOliviJake will never be a thing. I can’t really explain it; I didn’t take enough science classes to tell you why some magnets repel each other. Just trust me on this. Sometimes even the hottest girl and guy, together, can only push the mercury as high as room temperature.

Anyway, Scandal’s got bigger problems. Sally’s gone all Jesus-take-the-wheel with her own mind, Liv is suffering from fits of hysterical laughter, and Cy is off crying in the dark somewhere. Oh, and Jake’s decided this is a great time to do some corporate restructuring over at B613. Your tax dollars at work, America!

We begin with Sally, prepping for her for Presidential debate, sounding like she added a bit too much Leviticus to her coffee this morning. Using “fornicate” as a verb, saying something about piggies? Even her minister is confused.

Down the hall, Fitz is hitting his debate-prep stride. His prep opponent is Mellie, and she is totally channeling Sally, right down to the folksy lilt and the cold fury in the eyes. The Fitzgeralds are having a wonderful time here — These two, you think, would make a great couple.

As the candidates prepare, Liv is getting her team’s pitch on the Daniel Douglas murder. She doesn’t believe a word, not until she corners Cyrus and he confirms it. That, plus the pregnancy hormones stress, puts her over the edge: she has a laughing fit.

They’re all murderers! It’s literally murderers’ row, no matter who gets elected! – Olivia

She calms down long enough to rip Cyrus a new one for “blowing Fitz’s chance at a clean campaign” and “dragging me back into the dark.” Then, right there in his office, she quits.

Not far away, Fake Boyfriend Jake is making some equally impulsive moves. He’s shutting down B613 “freelancing,” which means no more dates in cars with boys for Quinn! Worse: he puts Quinn on phones. Not sure her Myers-Briggs type lists “great on the phone” as a strength, Jake, but what do I know? Maybe INKJs (Impulsive Neurotic Killer-Judgers) are great at customer service.

Daddy Pope, not dealing well with retirement, takes a meeting with Leo to vent his concerns about “our candidate.” Get Sally into fighting trim, he warns Leo, or “You will be FIRED.” No one says FIRED quite like Daddy Pope. It’s among his greatest hits. (“Twice as good!” “You. Are. Ayyyyyyyy. BOYYYYYYYY.”) The man is a quote machine.

Not fired, evidently, is Fake Boyfriend Jake. Tonight it’s Olivia’s turn to bring him Gettysburgers; he’s still reeling from the shock of this as she brandishes her own version of dinner in front of him.

I also brought wine. This is for me. I’m gonna drink the whole bottle. – Olivia

Jake is all, “If you get drunk I’m gonna take advantage of you.” Olivia shoots back, “No you won’t.” And the man agrees. He agrees.

We could run. You just have to say the word. Run away with me, Liv. Save me. – Jake

And here is what has always bothered me about this couple. Olivia inspires Fitz to rise to the level of Sexy Jerk; but Jake? Falls to the depths of Abstract Wuss. Every time. On his own, Jake is capable, handsome, perhaps a bit of a bureaucrat but there you go: everything Liv apparently looks for in a man. But put him alone in a room with her, and all that alpha stuff goes out the window. I hate my job. Please just live happily ever after with me and our respective specialty burgers.

I should mention that despite their issues, these two still manage to get it done. Liv responds to Jake’s visit to Begging Island by polishing off her giant glass of wine, then issuing an order: “Take advantage of me.” That’s just how it works in Olivialand!

Things are considerably darker in Sallyland. Turns out she’s filled with the wrath (and the Biblical language) of God because God is her boyfriend, and they happen to be on a break.


Sally cites this as a problem, rather than evidence of a problem solved, and this should concern us all. But no! Aside from Cyrus “Let’s-Have-Her-Killed” Beene, folks just sort of consult their WWDD (What Would Dubya Do?) bracelets. I guess when God breaks up with your boss, you do what you can to maybe find out what made God mad, and see if you can get these two to meet or something? Maybe just for, like, coffee?

So they bring in Olivia. Olivia. Even Sally’s all, “Great. The devil.”

By now Sally sees herself as Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. This is hallucination-level bad: bad enough to make Liv call up Fitz and tell him to “throw the debate.”

Is she serious? Because I know just how he can do that!

Even after her hell of a day, Liv still has to break up with Jake. This is what Olivia does with Jake: first she bangs him, then she breaks up with him the next day. By now he knows the drill, but a guy’s gotta try.

 Stand in the sun with me! … It’s too late, isn’t it? You’re standing with him. – Jake

Which she is. Yes, she’s trying to be realistic with Fitz, but speeches like this one tend to lose some of their power when you just start making out again right afterward:

There is no clean. There is no Vermont. Let’s stop pretending. Let’s just be here. – Olivia

And that’s where we leave Olitz. Just being there. Doing that thing they do. And while Sally finds her own voice again — in the middle of the debate, right there at the podium — Jake isn’t taking his own breakup well at all. He’s running around with a gun. Picking off unnamed agents who are, if not Gladiators, certainly Gladiator-adjacent. All in the name of doing his job.

Who gets the bullet? Will it be gentle David, the lawyer of Helen Bishop’s life, or James, The Actual Worst? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!

Closing Thoughts on this episode:

Scandal’s take on The Manchurian Candidate was pretty sweet. That sniper’s-view shot of Sally at the podium, mid-debate? Frankenheimer-level stuff.

I was hoping Jake would keep Quinn on phones for the rest of her life. “Acme F**king Limited, we sell paper, what the hell do you want.” An attitude like that can change the course of customer service history.

Leo led Cyrus to discover the bug in his office. This guy is the man for you, Cyrus Beene! How much clearer does Sally’s ex-boyfriend need to make it?

“Hello, Pooblius.” Just the kind of thing every man wants to hear from the love of his life, don’t you think?

Reason 5,312 why James is OMG THE WORST: He was not really serious about wanting to bring his husband down, he tells his fellow fighters for truth and freedom. He just wanted “a good cry.” A good cry. James, you are The Eternal Worst.

Line Of The Episode: “You’re a mouse, Cyrus. On a wheel. Thinking you know how the world really works.” – Jake has just come from Olivia’s Advantage Bed, and it shows.


  2 Responses to “Scandal: Murderers’ Row”

  1. That scene between Cyrus and James? That hit such the height (or nadir, depending on how you look at it) of soap-opera histrionics, that the only thing missing was Susan Lucci walking out holding hands with Luke and Laura.

    And Sally? Can you honestly tell me that that isn’t what they secretly wish they could actually just let go and publicly say to the people they despise? (That wasn’t the best grammatical structure, was it?)
    She was just airing out what she’s been holding in for soooo lonnnngggg….

  2. […] Basket of Kisses: Scandal: Murderers’ Row […]

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