It started in the Inheritance Six Month Leave. Don wants to come home, Betty says ‘what will we tell the kids?’ he creates a plausible lie, and suddenly, she sees it. She sees how easily he lies. Even though she kind of asked for a good lie, she cannot appreciate that it’s a helpful thing to tell the kids (if indeed it is) because she’s seeing her whole married life. What’s her line then (I don’t have it in front of me)? ‘You just came up with that just now?’ She says “Jesus, did you just think that up?” (Thanks, Burt.) For her it’s a holy crap moment.
Indeed, all along this has been Betty’s quandry. Way back in episode 1.02, Ladies Room, she looked at the sleeping Don and said “Who’s in there?” Perhaps she imagined marriage would be an adventure of discovery; perhaps her mother even told her that about marriage. It’s not an uncommon thing to say, and it’s very true, even when you marry someone you know well. She might easily have thought that the thing to do was to marry someone and then get to know him; that marriage deepened through the process of learning more and more about each other. But it didn’t turn out that way. Don wasn’t knowable. He didn’t want her to learn more.
(I don’t think Betty was particularly knowable either, but it’s pretty clear that Don shut out the experience of deeper knowing from both ends, else he would not have shut out her mourning. It’s also pretty clear that in the earlier years of their marriage they talked. A lot. I love Betty telling the story of her first kiss with a Jewish boy. In Season 1 there was enjoyable chit-chat and interplay between Don and Betty that made us feel they loved each other.)
By the time of a Night to Remember, Betty had had enough unknowability. Don left no evidence, Don’s facade never cracked. Facing an uncrackable wall is enough to make anyone crack themselves. Yet Betty found an inner truth; he may remain smooth and she may crack, but she knows what she knows.
What happened in the Inheritance Six Month Leave was kind of the next phase of that. She saw the lies. She saw that what Don did, and what he kept doing, was lie. And lie and lie and lie.
At the point where he wrote her the beautiful letter in Meditations in an Emergency, isn’t a part of her saying to herself, “It could be a lie”? And when she sensually cuddles with him in Out of Town and says, “You’re good at this,” as he talks her to sleep, isn’t a part of her aware that him being good at that is exactly the problem?
In the Gypsy and the Hobo, Betty says “You’re a very, very gifted storyteller.” And that’s it. That’s the sum total.
She can’t trust anything. How do you stay married to that?
Betty recognizes Don’s gift. She probably admired that gift many times (as she did in Out of Town), but now the gift is all she sees, and it has killed her ability to love this man. Everything he says and does must be questioned, and none of the questions can ever be settled. Once she knows that, what can he possibly say or do that will fix it for her?
In Out of Town, Betty was literally hypnotized by Don’s storytelling. If you know that about yourself, that you can be so carried away by that, how can you ever let your guard down?
I know what it feels like to have loved someone, and then look inside yourself and see only the steel wall that prevents you from letting him in again. I know what that feeling is. You need the steel. People will see it as bitchy, but what else have you got? You know he can get in if you let it down; after all, this is someone you fell in love with. So up it stays, hard and closed, and if the wall is there, it locks away the love. Previously I posted about how Betty’s locked heart is rooted in an internal dishonesty. She won’t open to Don because of the dishonesty, and also because of her anger, and indeed, I think because of her disdain, her snobbishness, and her self-righteousness. Don’s right: She likes being the one who’s good so she can lord it over those who are bad; that’s what she did to Sarah Beth after all.
But it’s also true that she won’t open to Don because she’ll never know if it’s safe. She can never trust someone that “gifted.” In the end, there can never, ever be a marriage between them because he has so broken that trust, and she is right to end it. It’s not that she can’t forgive the massive lie of his identity (although she can’t), it’s that she is fully aware that she’ll never see the next lie coming until it’s too late.
67 Responses to “Don tells stories”
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Mike, I thought you were making a generalization about whether staying together for the sake of the kids is always better than getting a divorce. Maybe I misunderstood your point?
Not that MW couldn't take a radically different turn with things next season, but based on what we have seen up to now, I'm going to stick with my initial judgment that it's much better for all concerned, including Sally & Bobby, that Don & Betty divorce.
It seems the writers may be underestimated. Now that Betty knows the truth about Don/Dick, who knows what can happen. Don didn't just lie to her… what he did was illegal. Everything he has done in the name of Don Draper (marriage licenses, contracts, $, etc…) are in jeopardy.
As for baby Gene…maybe next season will be a jump years into the future, and the the purpose of the storyline will be revealed. I wouldn't be surprised if he is raised as Henry's son.
Have faith! There is method to the "mad"ness!
I wouldn’t be surprised if he is raised as Henry’s son.
The Henry character is going nowhere, you can count on that (or Matt Weiner can count on losing me as a viewer).
#41 Aran…..I agree that it was wrong to suck us in to this marriage just to have it dissolve anyway. I don’t know what point the writers were trying to make. It was implied that in order to succeed at work he had to be destructive at home. When he tried to be faithful and do the right things by his wife he fell apart at work. So now that his family is completely ripped to shreds he should be the biggest the Ad man in N.Y.
I must admit I am disappointed. I get that Don and Betty needed to be apart. I get that. I even looked forward to it. Not just Don hanging out in a hotel for a few weeks. I just hoped that eventually there would be some growth. It seems that now the separation is more about Henry and less about Don. I am a romantic so I always want the happy ending but I think I could’ve dealt with a permanent separation if it was done more honestly and true to life by the writers.
It seems the writers may be underestimated. Now that Betty knows the truth about Don/Dick, who knows what can happen. Don didn’t just lie to her… what he did was illegal. Everything he has done in the name of Don Draper (marriage licenses, contracts, $, etc…) are in jeopardy.
I've done considerable checking on the Internet. Lying on your marriage certificate is against the law; you may be subject to fines. Stating that you are not already married–when you are–is bigamy; the marriage is invalid. Stating that you are of legal age when you are not could also invalidate the marriage.
I haven't found any legal precedent for an incorrect name validating a marriage. We heard a lawyer explain that New York State doesn't want people to divorce. Generally, the law doesn't want marriage to be so easy to dissolve.
Besides, if Betty got an annullment, she would have no chance of support from Don. I'm still hoping she will realize that it is a bad idea for Henry to set the terms for her divorce.
I'm hoping we see less of Betty next season. A happy Betty would be fine! And even less of Henry, please….
Mike, I thought you were making a generalization about whether staying together for the sake of the kids is always better than getting a divorce. Maybe I misunderstood your point?
Not that MW couldn’t take a radically different turn with things next season, but based on what we have seen up to now, I’m going to stick with my initial judgment that it’s much better for all concerned, including Sally & Bobby, that Don & Betty divorce.
You address both the general and specific in you comment. I was responding to you explanation of why divorce is right for Don & Betty.
By no means do I think all marriages must stay together for the kids. I just think that the challenges faced by Don & Betty are not insurmountable, and in fact I find them rather trivial. Betty has accepted Don's infidelity to this point, and I think most marriages would survive the revelation of a secret identity. that doesn't mean that divorce isn't right in this instance (and certainly I'm not arguing Betty isn't entitled if it's what she wants), but I believe these two have not ever allowed the other to see them for who they are. They could easily do that (with Don internalizing the damage done by his infidelities, though for that Betty would have to tell him she knows about them), and find that they still love each other. And that would be good for the kids. But maybe they won't.
I think they will, though not immediately. that's the main thing I'm arguing. That Matt Weiner is completely full of sh*t and a reconciliation is in store somewhere down the line. We'll see. What I find funny is the notion that a potential divorce that still isn't even on solid legal ground, which depends on Betty living for six weeks in Reno, Nevada, either with this person she barely knows but intends to marry, or alone, and which will relegate her to a status she had previously disdained, is either a sure thing in itself or the final word on the Draper marriage. That's ridiculous. Maybe Weiner will skip ahead to where the divorce is final and all is said and done, or maybe he'll pick up at the airport in Reno. We don't know. But everyone acting like the divorce is done, final, overdue, and right to my mind are way ahead of themselves.
I’m going to stick with my initial judgment that it’s much better for all concerned, including Sally & Bobby, that Don & Betty divorce.
I'd love to hear how Sally and Bobby stand to benefit from this divorce — that is ALWAYS the claim. Sometimes it's true, like when there is physical or verbal abuse (and no, mutual coldness is not abuse), though not only then of course, and sometimes it's not. Just what is it about living together with Betty and Don Draper that is harming them? That their mother is unhappy? Better that she (and they) be in constant flight from unhappiness, or do we think that Betty is moving confidently on to a life in which she will be happy, thus providing a better life for her children? Uh, yeah.
Isn't it possible that this is about what Betty wants? If so, good! She should go after what she wants (even if it is, at this moment, simply not-the-nightmare-that-is-my-current-life). But the question of what is best for the kids is at best very hard to answer, and if we're honest pretty obviously a secondary concern.
#55 regarding legality, Don/Dick did more than put the wrong name on a marriage certificate. He faked his own death to the government and assumed a dead man's identity. The real Don Draper is buried under Dick's name in a cemetary somewhere. I would think a polically connected man like Henry may find those facts interesting and know just how to use them. This house of cards still has a long way to fall.
#58 What would be the point of putting Don in jail? So Henry could have even more power over Poor Betty? (Bless her heart.)
@ Mike: I just think that the challenges faced by Don & Betty are not insurmountable
We disagree, I guess. I think they are insurmountable when one party has come to the realization that love between them has been extinguished, and has told the other party so in very unequivocal terms. One what basis are they going to give it the old college try? Listen, I'm no Betty fan. I find her cold and distant and childish. But I don't blame her one bit for making the decision that she made — she's had enough, she doesn't love him, and she's beyond even trying to patch this up.
Regarding Don in jail – I doubt very much the storyline would go that way. If Don made the divorce a living hell for Betty MAYBE she would has a reason to pursue some legal action, but he's not going to fight her. What would be the point of dragging her children's father through the mud like that?
Here's a plot twist I could kinda see happening (not saying it will) – Henry turns out to be pretty much exactly what he seems — a nice, well-off, man who wants nothing more than to make Betty happy. They have a nice solid albeit slightly boring marriage, maybe with none of the sexual fireworks that Don provided, but stable, friendly, respectful and supportive. Betty in fact finds happiness in this relationship. She and Don cross paths sometime. Don, seeing the happy, smiling, beautiful Betty he fell in love with, falls hard for her again. Except this time it's too late.
@60 Dark Peggy, That's how I see it, exactly.
@61 Gypsy, "Here’s a plot twist I could kinda see happening (not saying it will) …". I like that one, too.
Great insight as always. I’ve noticed some people seem to be arguing over whether or not it was the years of lies vs. finding out the extent of Don’s childhood poverty and lowly origins, but to me it just seems like that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, not an either/or thing.
While reading other MAD MEN blogs and message boards, I have read the following:
*Henry will turn out to be another Don who wants a trophy wife
*Betty and Don should have maintain the marriage for the sake of the kids
*Betty is an elitist and broke up the marriage, because of Don's social background
*Many have expressed hope that the Draper divorce will mean that Betty will have a small or recurring role in Season 4, eventually easing her out of the series.
What I have basically surmised from many of these blogs is a great deal of hostility toward Betty, accusing her of being cold not only to her children, but also to Don. Many of these fans do not like the idea of Betty dumping Don for Henry and many have pretty much demonize Henry, just as they have done any male character who seemed to be a rival of Don's – professionally or otherwise. Or . . . they want Betty's role to resume as it had been back in Season 1. Or they simply want her gone, thinking it would mean an improvement on Don's character. I read that latest MAD MEN article on the JEZEBEL site and came across this interesting comment someone named tired fairy had to say about Betty's character:
"11/10/09
I doubt this is the last we'll see of Betty. Too much of how the show deals with a certain aspect of womanhood/class and sexism in that era rests on her experiences and viewpoint.
The thing about Betty is…you're supposed to find her all the things people find her. Pampered. Hollow. Superficial. Cold. She is those things, because she's been made those things. Because no one has ever expected more from her, so she doesn't even know she could be more…although I think she has glimpses of it. And there are clearly embers of a need to be something…to get out…to figure out some other life than this. Women at that time were supposed to be happy little extensions of their husbands, content with a life where they were basically indentured servants. Even with all the privileges in Betty's life, she's still trapped and caged. A pretty prison is still a prison.
To me, Betty's character is all about restriction. Restricted emotions, restricted choices, restricted ideas, a restricted life. She's a woman on the brink, stuck in a world that limits her, stuck with her own limitations…stuck with a life she should want but doesn't.
The people who don't understand why she's with Henry seem to have missed the whole scene about divorce then. Even if Don doesn't fight her, he hasn't exactly proven himself to be trustworthy. She has no career, and though she's clearly educated, the only job she had was modeling. She's not really in a position to effectively navigate the world. And Henry is, in every way, a far more transparent man than Don. He lives his life in the public eye, working for a politician. He's not in a position to lie and mislead her the way Don was.
Betty is, in many ways, what the stereotypical "childish" woman comes from. Because women were treated like children. By partners, by the law, by society. It shouldn't be shocking to anyone that some people can't just snap out of that. And the whole point of her character is exploring where a person like that comes from, and what they do. I find it fascinating because it's so unlike me.
I think hating her is convenient. Because admitting that women are, in a lot of ways, still expected to be like her is scary. And we resent it. And we resent women like her because they didn't just get out of it. Because we want more agency than that. And identifying with Betty, even in a small way, must feel like admitting that there's still something compelling in that version of womanhood. Otherwise I don't see how anyone could go around defending or forgiving Don as a character while condemning her."
DRush76, I saw that comment over there–thank you so much for bringing it to everyone's attention. It is perfect: enlightened, smart, and extremely insightful.
@ Mike (45)–"The Lie" I was referring to is, broadly speaking, advertising itself (advertising was my major, and I've worked in the field, at the word processor, the drafting table, and on both sides of the camera, since college). In the very first episode, Don lays it all out (going from memory here): advertising is the billboard that tells you the shirt you're wearing, the deodorant you're using, makes everything okay–you are okay.
The lie of it all is the notion that a box of this, a can of that, a brand on the back of your jeans, a label on a beer bottle–things like that–have the power to confer on living humans a sense of belonging or even superiority; it is a profit-driven counterattack against the self doubt–the existential angst–to which all of us fall victim from the time we become aware of life's essential cruelties and man's essential alienation. It is the notion, built from clouds and moored by air currents, that happiness can be yours if you just buy the right stuff.
Advertising floats these image before our eyes and whispers this lie in our ears, every moment we're alive. Buy my lies. You have everything you've ever wanted. Buy my lies.
Listen, I’m no Betty fan. I find her cold and distant and childish. But I don’t blame her one bit for making the decision that she made — she’s had enough, she doesn’t love him, and she’s beyond even trying to patch this up.
I actually am a Betty fan. I also don't blame her for feeling how she feels or making the decision she seems to have made. I just happen to think it isn't final and will change.
Here’s a plot twist I could kinda see happening (not saying it will) – Henry turns out to be pretty much exactly what he seems — a nice, well-off, man who wants nothing more than to make Betty happy. They have a nice solid albeit slightly boring marriage, maybe with none of the sexual fireworks that Don provided, but stable, friendly, respectful and supportive. Betty in fact finds happiness in this relationship. She and Don cross paths sometime. Don, seeing the happy, smiling, beautiful Betty he fell in love with, falls hard for her again. Except this time it’s too late.
Are you sure you can see that happening as a plot twist, and not as what you think might happen if this were the real world? I guess I have a pretty hard time seeing that happening, because it would make for really, really boring television.
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