Don doesn’t know why he’s unhappy, why the life he has isn’t satisfying.
But more than that, he has no frickin’ idea why Betty isn’t happy. He gave her everything. A beautiful home, food on the table, children, a maid, beautiful clothes and jewelry. He was a provider, which is what he was taught to be.
And she’s unhappy.
He stopped cheating, swore to himself to “be good,” and he was miserable, and she was just angrier than ever. And finally, he fell off the wagon with Bobbie, and the shit hit the fan. But he came to her, admitted what he’d done, made “the grand gesture,” and she took him back.
And she’s still unhappy.
He has stood by her and been supportive through the pregnancy, made the warm milk, only cheated when he was out of town, took her to Italy, made passionate love in a beautiful city.
And she’s still unhappy.
He’s run dry on her now. He’s got nothing left to give her. We can see, from here, that she wants intimacy and honesty and connection and respect. We can see it (although I’m not sure Betty wants or would accept any of it, to tell you the truth). But Don can’t see it. He has no idea these are the things that are missing. He has done everything he knows he’s supposed to do, and on paper, he has every reason to believe he will have a happy and satisfied wife and mother to his children.
I think he looks at Betty’s unhappiness and just…nothing. No clue. Nada. No wonder it drives him away.
47 Responses to “Don just doesn't understand”
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And even worse, I imagine he is terrified of her rejection if she knew his real story and knew who he really is. (Although at this point, after all these years, who IS he anyway?) He probably believes that Betty could only love the successful, suave, cool and sexy Don Draper, not the vulnerable, hurting, lonely, unloved Dick Whitman. And he may be right. I can say that after watching nearly three seasons of Betty, I'm not real sure she could accept his decidedly NON-fairy tale past.
I think they have completely run aground in this marriage. There is such thing as falling out of love. Sometimes "This Marriage Can NOT Be Saved," LHJ columns to the contrary.
Don't we all think they would both honestly be much happier without each other? What's left?
I think it is interesting though that although, as you correctly say, Betty wants intamacy, respect, honesty and connection, I think that other than the honesty, she doesn't really give that to Don and she is so icy that it seems like it would take a special person to suss that out in real time without seeing all we've seen. Seriously she needs to find a new therapist and not tell Don about it so he can't snoop on her or get one who really abides by his professional ethics and refuses to talk to Don, or find a female one, which might take some looking at that time. Don also needs some serious therapy even though he'd never go in a million years, probably even if he had grown up in a later time he might not do it anyway even though there is less stigma now but just b/c he seems like the type of man who thinks that stuff is for people who are soft. My Dad is like that, too and he is a man seriously in need of it but would never do it unless forced.
I think Betty's problems really don't have much to do with Don. What she wants and needs is something challenging and worthwhile to occupy her time. She's bored and idle, doesn't much like parenting. Don is only her husband, he can't fulfill her whole life.
This was the whole "problem with no name."
I don't think Don is much different than men of his generation — and even later generations. Until working women became the norm in upper middle class America, the roles were pre-determined. Men were the hunter-gatherers, women tended children and home.
Of course, many women always worked, but once you hit a certain social strata, you stayed home, because that was a perk that came with financial success.
Don has fulfilled his part of the bargain. And although Betty once complained that she was "outnumbered" by her children, he responded by letting her hire Carla. He doesn't have time or the inclination to tend to her emotional needs.
Very good topic Deborah. Good comments #1 & 2.
I think these two had something at one time. We witnessed this when Don did the carrousel pitch. I think he realised how much his family meant to him at that time. Everyone in that room was moved by Don's pictures of his family and so were we the viewers. It was moving because Don was coming from his heart, it might have started out as a pitch but he was touched by it. Unfortunately, Betty didn't see the presentation. It is ironic that often we can explain things to stangers but not to the very people we want to explain things to.
Also, I don't know what it is like being a suburban wife during the early sixties with three kids. (like my mother who had four kids) Don sure doesn't know. She didn't always have Clara. She is unusally beautiful. While some may envy that of her, there are alot of expectations from others to be that goddess vision all the time. In the "Fog" her father said you are a special house cat. Like her only purpose is to be that adoring beauty. There are no manuals how the live your life out that way.
On the other hand Betty doesn't get what it is like dealing with the rat race out there like Don has to. I think Rachael made some comment about this in S1.
It seems to me they are both just playing roles because they don't know any other way to be. They are perfect archtypes of the time. I am hopeful they will find a way to be real with each other at some point. Don will have to let Betty in on who Dick is for that to happen. Otherwise there is wedge between them.
I'm curious to hear from all of you why you think Don started cheating on Betty in the first place. Clearly, when he first talked about her with Anna, he was a man in love. Was he just in love with a dream? They obviously had a spark between them – we might have seen the last glowing embers of that in Rome. But he began cheating on her very early on in their relationship – before Sally was born apparently, and that was less than a year after they were married. He was involved with Midge for 5+ years.
So much of Betty's discontent in her relationship with Don stems from this cheating, even if it took her a long time to admit to herself that's what was going on. Not just the infidelity itself, but the lying, the not being there, and of course whatever emotional void between them that enabled it to begin with.
Was it just Don's nature to stray? A bad inherited gene or learned behavior from his prick father Archie?
Was it something lacking in his relationship with Betty that drove him to someone else?
Was it something the superficiality we now see in Betty herself?
These are two people working at cross-purposes to each other, caught in a vicious spiral of reacting to each other's reactions and further pushing each other apart, like two magnets with the poles facing off the wrong way, where once perhaps they were so tightly connected.
Oo! Oo! Ruth Reichl was on Fresh Air with Terry Gross a couple of days ago. She wrote a book about her mother who was very Betty like. Her mother kept journals describing her unhappiness and how she finally overcame it. She had to tell the ghost of her own mother to get lost. Of course, by that time, she was an old woman but hey, better late than never. Fascinating interview,
I could see Betty wrestling with the ghost of her mother. That could be an interesting plot device. At some point, she gets all Gollum and tells her mother to "Go away!"
One of the first things to understand, is that women of Betty's generation, middle to upper class, were raised to believe that the gold standard of success for them was to be a wife and mother. (Look at the sacrifices Joan has made to be that and Peggy worries she may have to sacrifice a husband and family for her career.) Very few women would have chosen to work. If they worked, it was because they had to. And, at the time, a married working woman was often construed as a sign of a husband who couldn't provide for his family. In fact, there was much social criticism of women working in anything that might be a "man's job" because she was taking a job away from a man. Being wife and mother simply wasn't just a "choice" in those days, sometimes it was the only choice you had. Which was the point of the Feminine Mystique.
As for Don, I don't think he even considers Betty as being a person these days. There must have been something about Betty that young "Don" fell in love with and made her stand out from all the women he was presumably dating. Clearly he had no problem entering into the contract of marriage with her and sealing the deal with a baby. But at some point, either the initial lust cooled and the love wasn't there, or he began seeing her as playing a role of "perfect wife/mother" just as he was playing Don Draper. He seems to get most upset with her whenever she displays any emotion or action outside of the role he has cast her in. He's outraged when other men look at her sexually (except in Rome). Yet, can anyone doubt that his ego is charged when men complement him on Betty and tell him how "indescribably lucky" he is?
We were led to believe that he'd turned over a new leaf at the end of last season. And, while, as Deborah has pointed out, he's made physical effort, in reality, it's just actions. I've yet to see him put any real feeling into it. He's still cheating, out of town or not. He never tells Betty he loves her. When he was cornered into signing the contract, his true feelings of not wanting to be locked into anything showed through. And now, he's about to go nuclear on his family. She has a beautiful home, clothes, children, and a dog. She doesn't have love, respect, or security from her husband.
The real irony is that what doesn't satisfy him about his life in Ossining, is the same thing that doesn't satisfy Betty.
I'd love to see what Don was like when he dated before he met Betty. Has he ever actually given of himself to who he was with? I really liked his meeting-of-the-minds with Midge, before we met her friends..
gypsy: I think when you buy into the suburban myth, you don't always know what you're getting. Spending your time with housewives and children all day makes you very bored, boring and needy. Also, Betty has become very childlike. She expects someone to take care of her. Remember in The Fog and 723, both the dream Gene and the real Don have assured Betty that she will be taken care of. Even her gynecologist says that to her when she finds out she's pregnant.
I don't think that's what turns Don on. He doesn't want a boring, needy child. He wants a smart, confident woman. Well, who doesn't? They're just sexier. I'm not excusing Don's behavior but he and Betty live in two separate worlds and Don is very good at compartmentalizing. (That's why snogging the teacher is going to lead him into trouble. He is crossing his own boundaries)
Betty has lost her personality and she isn't going to get it back until she breaks the mold she's been put in. She has to do *something*. Either get a job (much harder now with baby Gene) or have a breakdown or leave. Something's got to give.
Interesting points. What do women want? Sterling says, "Who cares?" Has Don reached that point?
Since I've been outta town, I haven't been able to follow along here at B of K, but for me, the sister episode for Wee Small Hours is the Ladies Room from season one. Not just for the reasons Deborah highlights here, but also for Connie's strange request for a Hilton on the moon. Back in the Ladies Room, Kinsey and others had worked on a Right Guard campaign featuring astronauts floating around in space. Don nixed it, because he understood that women are the ones buying, even tho it's their men who use the product. Women don't want astronauts.
But apparently Connie does.
More than anything, Souvenir shows how tragic the waste of Betty's talents are.
I don't think Don does love her. That's kind of a big foundational problem. Maybe he loved the idea of Betty when he met her. All he seems to know about love is what he's learned from the movies (god knows he never learned it from his childhood), so his idea of love is playacting it, going through all the right motions to obtain the appearance of love. Maybe the closest he got to the emotion of love was watching it on the Kodak Carousel – the movie of his family life. He knows it when he sees it, but he's so damaged he can't feel it himself.
Betty's stuck in a role she finds so unfulfilling that she now hates it, even though it's supposed to be what every woman wants. On top of that, she's married to someone who doesn't love her, or doesn't know how to love her, and for a variety of reasons, can't bring her into his life or share anything really meaningful with her. He won't even share his work with her to give them something to talk about besides the kids' day at school and what's on the grocery list. Now when Betty looks at Don, she sees… just nothing. Nada.
So now, Don's gone through all the motions again, like you've said Deborah. He's collected a bunch of 'good husband' pictures for the next Kodak Carousel presentation, but he still doesn't feel anything for Betty, beyond the occasional lust (not that there's anything wrong with that!)
Is Don capable of loving anyone? Besides Anna (with whom I think he shares a true platonic love) the closest he got was with Rachel. I think he and Rachel could have loved each other, although he detonated that relationship before it could really go anywhere.
As for him and Betty, was there ever any there there?
Great, thought-provoking post, Deb!
In fairness, Henry Francis doesn't know what Betty wants either. He even says as much. And she doesn't answer his question by telling him: I want X, I want Y.
Betty seems to be taking a count at this point of what she does not want (things that are "tawdry", sex on desks, sex on couches, her friends, her town) … but what she DOES want?
That's a more difficult question.
I don't think that an escape like Don's — with him and Sally's ex-teacher trading who-cares, and then bodily fluids, in her garage apartment — is what Betty wants. I agree that she wants respect and intimacy, which is why the "tawdry" stuff doesn't appeal. But I don't think that she has thought it through … and I see her as the type who thinks things through. Unlike her husband, Betty is not a creature of instinct.
Betty really is Don's "angel", the provider of his life's structure. He may not always feel his own love for her, but he certainly needs her. Without her, he truly would find himself alone. But angels are not real people. There are many things about his wife Don is refusing to see.
I join others' concern for Betty. riverdaughter, agree: Betty does need to do something. A job, yes; Henry Francis, perhaps not. Having a breakdown and leaving would amount to the same thing, yes?
I think when you buy into the suburban myth, you don’t always know what you’re getting.
Oh I totally get that, riverdaughter. I thought I'd lose my mind during the two years I spent at home with my babies, and I loved them and my husband! But I always knew I had options. That was what kept me sane. Sort of.
I agree – Don likes exciting independent women. Do you think he loved Midge, or was that just fun and stimulating? In the very first episode, didn't he say to her "we should get married." But I thought he was just teasing.
I don't sense love with Miss Farrell though. That strikes me as desperation, mixed in with the excitement of danger.
I remember talking with my mom about these kinds of "Betty issues" once and she said, "I knew I was unhappy, but I just assumed it was me." It's not just Don who doesn't get it, the whole society had no idea that being chained to your house, being forced to play the role of hothouse flower could be in any way unfulfilling. I have to admit, sometimes even now I think, "wow, wouldn't it be great if I could just live off my husband and stay home and read books and knit all day." And then I spend a long weekend doing just that and I can't wait to go back to work.
gypsy: I think Don loved her as recently as the end of last season and probably still does to some extent. He loves the old Betty, that much is clear from Rome. But I think he has seen a side of Betty lately that he's not so crazy about. Of course, it's the same Betty, just a more human version of her. So, I think he's going to see stuff in Ms. Farrel that he really likes. Will it be love? I don't know but he's not bedding cheap thrills anymore. I think he kind of has put that aside or is trying to. So, will he convince himself that there is something about teacher he loves?
riverdaughter: If Don loved her once, it must have worn off pretty quick – he was apparently fooling around the night Sally was born, and that was soon after they married. Who knows? Maybe Betty was the one with the rock-solid vision of what her suburban housewife existence was supposed to be once she got married, so she completely embraced it, and it caught Don off-guard – a vision he hadn't bought into quite as fully as Betty. Huh? What? What happened to my glamorous, interesting, Italian-speaking international model Elizabeth? Who's this pregnant Betty person making grocery lists and snoring next to me in the bed?
Oh I can't wait until Sunday. I need to see where this is going!
Mike Gibson, I'm going to offer my answer to the question.
No. Don doesn't care. I don't believe Don cares if she is actually happy or not. If the point of this post is that we can see that Betty wants respect, intimacy, honesty, all that jazz, and Don cannot, then we have to conclude that the timbre of the post is sympathetic with Don despite not seeing her as a human being.
And I don't buy that he has no idea. He lies to her face, and as of 'Souvenir' she has been completely honest with her unhappiness. And if he really didn't know why she was unhappy, her tone with him when she spoke to him about his contract-in-potentia would not have gotten under his skin the way it did. Don wants his life easy, and if Betty would just return to being quietly unhappy, his behaviours wouldn't change.
Mari: I don't think Betty knows what the hell she wants. She wants to be taken care of but she wants to be able to decide her fate. She wants the stuff Don can give her but she doesn't want to feel obligated to him for them. She wants a job but she's afraid of too much autonomy. She wants love and passion but she doesn't want to risk her reputation.
She needs to think outside the box she's in.
To offer an answer to Gypsy's question in #6 above about why Don cheated in the first place, I believe it is due to several things: (1) He loves women; (2) He loves sex; (3) He is an excitement junkie — he gets really bored, really fast. Routine and discipline are not his thing, and coming home to the same woman every day bores him; (4) Don believes he is capable of getting away with things, and to an extent, he has been right so far; (5) it fits with his "live like there's no tomorrow" philosophy; and (6) it fits with his impulsive, opportunistic side — you see an opportunity, you take it. Sort out the details later.
As for whether he ever loved Betty, I think he loved the idea of Betty. The beautiful, well bred woman whom he could proudly show off, almost like a doll. Possibly at the time of their marriage and courtship, he believed he married "up" and "away" from his hardscrabble upbringing. She gave him legitimacy. Don's journey is all about going for the American dream and Betty was part of the dream. She likewise loved the idea of Don — the tall, dark and handsome stranger. He swept her off her feet. He gave her material possessions and his job afforded a certain social status she likes. He and she were the figurines on top of the wedding cake. Only the cake is now old and stale.
Mari: you just reminded me of that contract. Did Don even read that contract? I though Roger said that he hadn't even sent it to his lawyers for their opinion. I'm wondering if there is something in that contract that is going to come back and have some impact on Don or SC.
I think some of us are conflating love and sex. I think it is very possible that Don loves Betty AND also thinks of himself as a "dick", so why not screw around? Just because he does it doesn't mean he is not in love with Betty. I don't think he likes to hurt her, or at least he didn't last season. It's not like he can't help himself. He knows that what he's doing is wrong. It's just that he feels disconnected from her. They reconnected in Rome and then she told him how she really felt. He's not getting it. SHE'S disconnected too. Her feelings about her life mirror his own. But he doesn't quite understand it yet. I think it's going to take something really big for it to "click" with him.
Riverdaughter, (should I capitalize that first letter?)
I am not saying Betty knows what she wants–I did specifically say 'if the point of this post is' as a qualifier. I agree with you–she doesn't know what she wants…yet. She's learning. And while Don's distance is harmful for the marriage, it's giving her time for her to explore herself.
I have no idea if Don read that contract. I doubt it. I think Don wants to think that he loves Betty, but he does not walk the walk.
I want to see her break upon that desk drawer. It might seem like a small thing, but hey, so did that locked room in Bluebeard's castle.
Did Don even read that contract?
Pretty clear to me that he didn't. He probably threw it out the window from his car on the way home, just so he wouldn't have to think about it. He never had any intention of thinking about it. Once again, he did. not. think. this. through. (Ol' Rachel had his number, just like Miss Farrell does.) He should have known he'd have no choice but to sign it – might as well have negotiated something for it. SC clearly was willing to.
Helen B – right on all points!
Riverdaughter @#22, do you think he cares anymore, or has that ship sailed?
I want to see her break upon that desk drawer.
Oh yeah. Do it, Betty!
A fantasy for the final scene in the season finale (except it would kill me to wait until next year to see the fallout)
Betty's sitting in Don's darkened office, a wine glass and empty wine bottle near her hand. She's busted open that desk drawer, and figured (most) of it out. The pictures, the medal, the cash are scattered on the desk. She waits for Don to arrive home, which he does at 4 am after diddling Miss Farrell. He expects her to be asleep. She sees him creeping quietly in the hall. "Don! Come in here. Shut The Door. Have a Seat…"
Fade to black.
I think Don and Betty were definitely in love at one point, that's pretty clear from the flashback and pictures. The funny thing about secrets, though, is that they do drive people apart. Maybe not a little secret, not even a casual infidelity, but keeping such a HUGE part of your life secret from your wife as having stolen someone's identity is bound to put strains on the relationship.
We saw in Season 1 that Betty was always trying to ask Don about his childhood, and we know Gene always gave him a hard time for not having "any people". No matter how in love and how close Don and Betty once were, the more time he kept his true self distant from her, the more distant they became. You can't have a full relationship with someone who only knows half of you.
Maybe he still loves her in some way. But I think the ship has sailed for her. And she realized it when she said "it's not much different without [Don]".
Betty wants to be adored. She doesn't want a job; look at how she tackled the reservoir issue, and the fundraiser — she tuned out immediately once she got (or didn't get) what she wanted, which was a fairy tale with Henry. Not actual sex, good heavens no, that would be tawdry. But the second that woman from Henry's office showed up instead of him, she lost every particle of interest in politics, just as Henry's kiss put an end to her reservoir concern (remember, when the other women said the council had gone back and reversed their decision, she wasn't even interested). Betty fantasizes about the air-conditioning salesman, not a career.
College career my arse; she was a sorority girl at Bryn Mawr (though Bryn Mawr has never had sororities, oops). Then she was a model, then a wife. She screwed up in her parents' eyes by marrying Don, an up-and-comer with no background; what she SHOULD have done is been a trophy wife, like Roger's Jane. She was raised by her parents, somewhat to her father's regret, to be a purely decorative household item, with breeding-cow duties that will mostly be taken care of by staff, once the calving is finished.
Don is supposed to have given of himself emotionally to a person like that? Why not give of yourself emotionally to your car, or a piece of wood, instead? You'd get more back from it. Betty's soul mate and sexual partner, remember, is the washing machine.
I know this sounds harsh on dear Betty. I recognize that she is a prisoner. But in some ways she's a prisoner of her own choosing; when you open the prison door, you have to be willing to take those steps out. Betty never will. She reminds me of the supposedly "free range" chickens who never leave the barn because they didn't open the hatch into the yard until after the chicks were six weeks old: set in their ways.
I don't see a way out for Betty. Betty Friedan isn't going to save her. She's in the right class for it — Friedan wasn't writing for the Carlas of this world — but she's too much the princess. She LIKES being a princess. The only happiness she's had since the series began was that play-acting in Rome.
I thought love was just something ad men invented to sell perfume, or whatever. But yeah, sleeping around doesn't necessarily mean you don't love your wife. Some people just aren't satisfied with only one sexual partner, although they may love one or several. One of the things to come out of the sixties, although still not spoken of in "polite company" is experimentation with polyamory. Don seems like he'd fit right in there. (Sadly, Betty does not.)
#6, Don is the ultimate compartmentalizer. Everything is separate from everything else. Many people who cheat report doing so because it has nothing to do with their marriage, it "doesn't mean a thing." Surely nothing could make more sense to Don. I continue to believe that Rachel was the first time he'd fallen in love with a mistress. With Midge, it was clearly, he had a thing, he showed up when he felt like it; she was his "medicine," but it wasn't love. And I believe that Don could tell himself that he loved his wife and got his medicine where he needed it, and could deny to himself how much it separated him from her.
@ 25 gypsy howell-I like the idea, but I think it would be more in character for Betty to say, "We need to talk."
I'm convinced that Don was with Midge the night Sally was born.
# 27 Betty WAS a trophy wife. Now she's older, and she finds out too late she's not cut out for the housewife role. She's a bright, talented, sophisticated woman. She may not know that what she really needs is a career or other meaningful pursuit beside her marriage, but that's the only thing that will help. Being "adored" gets pretty boring, too.
Betty’s soul mate and sexual partner, remember, is the washing machine.
Hilarious. You made my day.
I go back to what I've said before – Betty is shallow. And always has been. She has "thoughts." Well, what are they Bets? I've yet to see any. I put a lot of blame for her unhappiness on Don's unfaithfulness and lack of connecting with her. But ultimately, SHE needs to find something in herself to connect with. Nothing seems to maintain her interest, unlike Helen Bishop for example, who is engaged enough to at least stuff envelopes for Kennedy.
Don is bored by shallow women. Look how lackluster his little thing with the empty-headed stewardess was. In fact, I'm surprised his 'little thing' could do anything at all that night (saved by the bell!)
If cracking open the desk drawer, or road-raging through town to see if that goddam blue cadillac is really in fact sitting in that goddam teacher's driveway like all the neighbors are whispering, resolves this stinking mess of a marriage, then I say, go for it Betty. I don't think you have that much to lose at this point.
gypsy: sure he cares. He longs for a nice place to call home. It's something he's never had. The only problem is that the 50's and 60's molded everyone into the same sized mold, whether they fit or not. Betty doesn't fit. It's not all her fault. But she would be much happier if she had some purpose in life. Her kids aren't doing it for her and she longs to be in an adult world. If she were in the right niche for her temperament and interests, everyone would be happer, Don included. But the question is, how does she get from here to there?
And no I am not letting Don off the hook here. He has to get over his "ramblin' man" attitude. The dark, mysterious $#@% starts to get on the nerves after awhile.
[Betty] wants intimacy and honesty and connection and respect
Not to justify Don's affairs and other bad behaviour, but – doesn't he long for these things, too? The women with whom Don had prolonged affairs did seem to provide a lot more intimacy, honesty, connection and even respect than Betty seems able to give. (It's true that Betty can be honest about her anger. She is less able to be honest about her feelings of hurt and vulnerability.)
Much of the problem, it seems to me, is that both Don and Betty have lost their curiosity about the person they're married to. Surely there was a time when each craved to learn all about the other, and actively solicited one other's thoughts about matters that were not strictly work- or household-related. Most of their "dialogues" these days are really two-person monologues. Until Don and Betty actually want to know each other again, I don't see how intimacy, honesty, connection, and respect can gain much of a foothold.
I think Betty’s problems really don’t have much to do with Don too. Of course, he doesn`t help her situation, but Betty must deal with her own issues
The use of flashbacks has been limited to Don's life as Dick Whitman. The Anna Draper flashbacks don't really help, because they mainly shed light on who Dick is, not Don. So I'm surprised we've never seen anything about the first time he met Betty (where and what circumstances?) or anything about the build up to their marriage. Or how about his first advertising campaign? How did he get his job at Sterling Cooper?
In a way, Don is similar to the protagonist of the movie Momento. That was the guy who couldn't form any new memories after his wife's murder. At one point in the film, the villain says to Lenny, the protagonist, "You don't know who you are. You only know who you were. You've changed since then." Or something like that. Well, with Don, I wonder what happened during those years in the 50s. He never recalls them…he doesn't realize he isn't who he used to be. He doesn't realize he's changed. Tho I suppose some of his memories of that time made an appearance in the pictures of the Wheel.
I'd also love to know Betty's side of the story. Why did she fall in love with him?
Deborah – I love your comment pieces! Fantastic.
I would disagree on one point. You said, "which is what he was taught to be" – I don't think he was taught anything – he is flying blind here and has no idea what a functional relationship should be.
More and more I'm believing that Mad Men is all about the false self and the true self. "Pick the person you want to be and then become that person" – Don did that. Betty did that. It might work in a career and in some superficial manner. However, it does not work favorably in creating true intimacy.
We have Don's false-front meeting Betty's false-front and that can only maintain itself for so long. He doesn't know what she wants because he doesn't really know her. She has not shown herself to him – so how could he? His false-self is giving her false-self jewelry – and meanwhile no one is telling the truth. To confuse things further – they don't really and truly even know themselves…
He wants to love her. She wants to love him. It's impossible however – completely impossible until one or both of them tells the truth.
I think that the fact that Don has lived virtually his whole adult life with another person's identity has made it easier for him to compartmentalize his affairs. I always wondered if this could run parallel with JFK's stories of infidelity? Why did he stray? I know part of it might have been b/c he had some major health issues that probably made him feel a sense of his own mortality, but honestly what made all the Kennedy men stray?
Don and Betty are both very troubled people. Don's tomcatting is so reminiscent of my drinking days. He's looking for happiness when he feels trapped. This season, we've seen Don being cornered in several different directions, from the British who made him dump the same client they made him pursue, to signing the contract and so on.
Poor Betty is also leading a very unfulfilling life as well. I think she does want more out of life. When she modeled for the Coke shoot, she seemed to come to life. And she has a cheating husband. Remember how she really found out about Don? When Francine told her about her own cheating husband and thought Betty might know what she should do. (Poor Don is so blinded by his own compartmentalization that he doesn't realize people know what he's doing, even when Bobbie referred to wanting what he did with the woman from Random House.) Betty is seeking happiness from Henry, yes, but also really enjoyed what Rome showed her. So when she came back to her own home, she realized how empty her life is. She doesn't fully know how to find her happiness, either.
I think the Draper marriage is very unhealthy in its current state. As mentioned before, the real victim of Don's liaison with Suzanne is going to be Sally. The emotional problems of this little girl have been the topic of so many scenes this season, that we can only wonder where they're taking this. I can't believe Matt Weiner would spend so much time on this, have Don sleep with her teacher, and there being no consequences with Sally. I'm wondering if there's something we should read into the occasional references to Bonnie in "Gone With the Wind." Will Don's affair with Suzanne cost him Sally's life?
When veterans came back from WWII and presumably Korea, they wanted to forget. Don had more to forget than just a war; he had a lifetime of abuse that he wanted to push out of his mind. He meets a beautiful, seemingly educated model named Elizabeth Hofstadt from the Main Line — the kind of place where Don would have parked cars — who seemed like the girl of his fantasies. It seems too good to be true, and it is.
Betty is not a loving person. Many women fall in love with their children once they arrive, but Betty doesn't even really love them, although she's capable of showing affection. Don has come to realize that the same coldness he saw as a boy permeates his house, even though it has a facade of perfection. He cheats in a constant search for a connection.
Has anyone noticed that (except for the last episode) nearly every episode has ended with a shot of Don at home with his family? Betty and family are his emotional center.
I find it interesting that there have been no flashbacks of Betty's life before Don…
To me, the problem with Don and Betty is that they both want the same. They want love, to be free of what is expected of them and to connect with someone. Unfortunately, both had married each other for superficial reasons and are now incapable of being emotionally honest with each other. Well, Betty has revealed her dislike of suburbia, but Don has said nothing about it. Instead, he merely reacted with confusion and continued his usual game. Which led Betty to continue with her usual game.
Perhaps in the end, neither is incapable of being honest with each. And this might be a sign that they are not suited for one another. Perhaps both Don and Betty should have waited until each had met the right person they could have connected with.
"Betty is not a loving person. Many women fall in love with their children once they arrive, but Betty doesn’t even really love them, although she’s capable of showing affection. Don has come to realize that the same coldness he saw as a boy permeates his house, even though it has a facade of perfection. He cheats in a constant search for a connection."
I don't think that Betty is solely to blame for their unhappy marriage. They are both rather cold toward one another. And both are capable of being distant to their children. And this is because they are unable to emotionally connect with each other. Don and Betty are not suited to be married to each. They might not be suited for marriage, period. Normally, I would say this is not a bad thing. But they have three kids to think about.
Who was it that said Betty would probably be much happier living Trudy Campbell's life — urban condo, no kids, lunch with the docents from the Met? I think it's true. Betty was born to attend balls, wear couture, buy paintings, see old movies at revival houses and attend Broadway premieres. But she and Don never talked about what their ideal lives would look like, and she probably didn't even feel entitled to her own vision — you're a woman, you find a man, you have his babies and live how he wants to live, period. (Trudy Campbell would probably rather have Betty's life, but she's stuck with schmucky old Pete.)
And the other reason they never talked about it is because "Don" doesn't actually exist. "Don" is something Dick made up out of whole cloth; the only thing he has in common with Real!Don! is the name. And Dick can never again be seen without serious repercussions for everyone who has to deal with him. So Betty can never know him. If he'd told her early on that he changed his name to get away from his abusive family, she'd probably have understood. She might even have understood the dog-tag theft if he explained it the way he did to Anna. But not being lied to about it all this time.
Neither Betty nor Don communicate with each other. The live their lives and their lives intersect at the end of the day – she barely acknowledges him as he comes in, he generally goes for a cocktail. Occasionally they talk 'at' each other, but while both secretly seem to yearn for attention, neither is giving it to their partner. I think my own parents went through this – when my gram died, my mom suddenly had no one to talk with, and the ultra-Catholic mother of 8 started talking divorce, because my father wouldn't "listen". Her problem was, she didn't know how to express herself – and he didn't know how to ask. Surprisingly, my father found within himself the means to connect through conversation, and when my dad died two years ago, my mother declared him the best friend she ever had.
Perhaps respect and compassion, once reignited, can help couples re-connect… Just my two cents.
As to why Don cheats, don't forget that at the time it was seen as just one of the perks of businessmen to have a little on the side, as Pete's neighbor in "Souvenir" made clear. It's a part of white male professional privilege. Don cheated because he *could*. Deborah's right in #29 that Don's the ultimate compartmentalizer, but really, most men in Don's position and social standing could do it, and separate infidelity from whatever feelings they may have for their wives. The culture accepted it uncritically, as Jack Jones' song "Wives and Lovers" illustrates: "wives, cater to your husbands or don't be surprised if he looks elsewhere."
So the opportunity was readily available for a man like Don. Of course, what drives him are the compulsions born of a childhood of abuse, a need to connect with a loving mother-figure, and the existential crises that come out of literally living a lie. At least in the case of Rachel his interest was sparked by her seeming to understand him as Dick–appearing to be able to see through his persona of Don Draper to see the uncertain, troubled core of him. It must have been the first time apart from Anna Draper that a woman could do that. Whether it developed into love for Rachel on Don's part is uncertain–I'm not sure if he's capable of love–but as it turned out his perception of her understanding was flawed anyway. In "Nixon Vs. Kennedy" Rachel got to more clearly see the real Dick Whitman, and it shocked and repelled her.
[...] given, for the Most Stunningly Accurate Prediction of the week. A crystal ball to gypsy howell for this comment A fantasy for the final scene in the season finale (except it would kill me to wait until next year [...]
“Don is supposed to have given of himself emotionally to a person like that? Why not give of yourself emotionally to your car, or a piece of wood, instead? You’d get more back from it. Betty’s soul mate and sexual partner, remember, is the washing machine.”
I think this is off-base, given that the one time he actually told her something real and difficult about his past (that his father used to beat him) it immediately ended their fight and she moved to comfort him on the bed. He lay there unmoving, but she was hardly cold. If he’s not getting this at home, isn’t it because he’s decided he doesn’t want to try for it?
I don’t think Betty’s given many chances at connecting with him, frankly, but on the other hand he flirts with opening up to various strangers and mistresses. I don’t think it’s fair to blame Betty for that, because it’s ultimately Don who decides to put up that iron curtain and divide his life. (Don only flirts with the intimacy he craves, really — as close as his ties to Rachel were, she ultimately realized he wasn’t above using her in a very selfish way, using her as an escape…and beyond that, I think he still “hasn’t learned to accept he’s not alone in the world.”) Above and beyond the Dick Whitman stuff, he doesn’t even tell her what’s going on at work — unlike, say, Trudy Campbell, Betty’s allowed to be the Shiny and Bright accessory, but she’s not allowed to be the comforting wife. Don’s decided grief is for weak people, just extended self-pity. He wants to unburden himself, but he’s also frightened to.
Betty, I think, comes off at times as a cold fish just like her mother was — that was her model. Nordic reserve is preferred to unseemly bursts of emotion, and all too often it’s a defense mechanism for her (hand in hand with her best friend, Denial). It’s important to put a good face on things, because doing less is unseemly. It doesn’t help when Don comes down on her so hard for genuine expressions of feeling like grief for her mother; it reinforces old, bad lessons. But she’s hardly an unfeeling appliance. So I’m not surprised she feels dissatisfied with the lack of genuine connection in her marriage to Don — I think she gets more love and attention back from that washing machine, which is why she lights up when guys like Henry come along and give her the eye, and retreats into romantic and girlish swooning fantasies about being cherished. (As for me, I know I’d be happier with a good washer. It does just what it says it’s going to do, and at least it’s reliable.)
Betty’s still feeling her way and figuring out what she wants. She’s still grappling with issues she tried to talk to her therapist about (and failed, since he was the worst therapist ever) — being unfulfilled in the housewife role, all her other feelings bottled up inside. She still, as she told Glenn, has “no one to talk to†(Carla’s sympathetic efforts are rebuffed because it’s not ‘proper’ for her to receive them). But I think she would accept it from Don. She wants to know he really cares. She does want to feel safe and cared for, and isn’t independent as we’d like.
For the comment above about how she keeps herself in the prison even when the door is open — yes, that is how ideology works. That is how these stifling and fake gender roles kept going for so long: it’s not just difficult to see how one could possibly act outside of them, if they don’t make you happy, then you think something must be deeply wrong with you. I think her fantasy was telling — she didn’t imagine striking out on her own, or becoming a female Don Draper, she wanted a better prince charming. After all, everyone knows that’s the pinnacle of female happiness: if you just get the right man, the world is bliss. So, even when she’s being bad, she still wants to be a good girl. Being slowly undressed on a fainting couch like a princess: enticing fantasy. Cheap affair on a politician’s desk: the not-so-satisfying reality.
What would really make her happy, though? It’s easy for us in 2009 to see that a career would be more fulfilling – she liked her modeling career very much, but that’s closed to her now. Given how he handled the Coke job, I don’t think Don would even let her explore the chance of having real employment. So she’s casting around, still adrift, affair fantasy kaput. ButI believe what she said at the end of season 1 still holds: she knows she wants basic attention and respect – and not on a “one night in Rome†basis only.
All in all, I don’t know if Don really ought to have no clue about *anything* Betty wants, when she point-blank tells him some specifics. She wants to know he’ll always be where he is supposed to be (his record is still spotty); she wants to hear that he loves her (does he really say that more, even now?); she doesn’t want to be kept in the dark about important things like SC contracts (sounds reasonable to me). As for why she isn’t happy after the bloom of the Rome trip fades, I agree that he is at a loss because he is equally at a loss about himself. Iif he sat down and thought about why he isn’t happy in spite of having it all, he might be able to consider why she isn’t either. He just wants them both to fall back into playacting that everything’s okay — which sometimes works, but can’t hold up forever. I think he needs to start considering her worthy of serious attention – not just as a prop wife, but as a person.
Don’s in a cell of his own making, too. These roles are stifling to him as well, but he has so many more options than she does if he wants to remake his life. So I get that right now he just doesn’t understand her, or himself. But I see Betty at least admitting things aren’t making her happy. Why does he stop trying?
I think it’s because he’s scared, but my sympathy for his fear is tempered by dismay that he’s hurting others with these self-protective moves. I wish he would take a line from Peggy, and just come clean with the truth. Without that, he can’t have an honest connection with anyone.